.

Silence is gold, eh? I've been so blogging silent for the last while that I ought to be a very wealthy woman. However, life is not so, although finally earning a half decent salary and still half living as though I were still a student is helping on that.

Christmas has been great, but I somehow have an eery feeling of being unsettled. Being at home always messes with my head, and plunges me into thoughts of where I want to live, and what I want to do.

When was the last time you pampered yourself?

The other day, someone I know only remotely asked me a question. He wasn’t being rude, but my first reaction was to think so. But then I thought – it could be a very caring thing to say: “When was the last time you pampered yourself?”

Honestly I don’t remember. I have recently had a (long overdue) haircut, and a month and a half ago I used nail polish a couple of times, ‘incidentally’ coinciding with me starting my new job. I use makeup every day, and try to make good food and see friends at least once a week.

But that’s not pampering, now is it.

Perhaps this person unknowingly hit my current issues spot on; perhaps they are out there for all to see, standing out like a sore thumb. Either way, it is slightly disconcerting.

And even worse is the fact that I know it, yet am unable to change my ways. One of the most important things I have learned over the last year or so is that I need to allocate time for me. I find it so hard to say no to seeing friends or doing something cool or interesting and instead stay at home and do nothing.. well, not really nothing… laundry, reading, drawing, thesis work, cleaning.. doing nothing too, it has to be there, just lying down and thinking, resting, allowing my mind to fall to ease. This is what I need. Very weird. Or not. Ah, now I’m confusing myself.

So. Is taking time for myself equal to pampering me? Or are my life priorities totally screwed up? Maybe I need to REALLY pamper me, go to a spa, indulge in a whole weekend of myself, resisting the temptation to do stuff with others. Why do I find this so difficult?

Being happy on my own and the consequences this has on my future

What a title! I have been told that I think too much. My initial response was “I don’t think you can think too much”, which might pretty well sum op the issues for some… Actually, this last while has been very busy, and I feel that I haven’t had much time to simply reflect on what’s going on in my life. Rather, days seem to be dripping by, slowly, steadily, unstoppable, inevitable. I wont go into what has made my life so “busy”, I’m afraid it might just sound like everyone else’s and that’s not the point. So what is the point, the avid reader asks! I seam to have reached a stable level, a plateau if you wish, where my life is rolling, rolling, with out too much extraordinary effort on my part. Amazing how fast we land in a routine (set the clock for 7am, get up at 7.35 after snoozing 4 times, take the bus at 8.08, etc.), which allows us to just… keep going. I am fighting the urge to keep adding “new, exciting events” to my life, and am doing my very best to just go with the flow. It somehow goes against the grain of me, yet I know this is what I need. A period of easy (everyday) life (because life is never easy). A while where I can be just me, enjoying my own company and the random thoughts and musings that this brings about.

Which brings me back to the title of this post. I am 27, just turned a month and a bit ago. I am recovering from a powerful experience, which will stay with me for the next long while. I am happy on my own. I am hopeful for the future. So the question that has been nagging at my consciousness while on the bus/falling asleep/daydreaming while “illustrator-ing” is what I am to do. Obviously, I am now alone and fine about it. But, time is flying and if I take a long time to become ready to move on in my own mind again, I might not end up where I want to. I need to take a good, long think about what I actually want from this life. So, please don’t ask me to not think so much. I have to, in order to regain my sanity and look to the future. Plus, I wouldn’t be me if I weren’t concerned with all this stuff.

a time for caring

A lot of things have been going on lately, and I must say, I do not know how to react to a number of them. This year has been a tough one, and I fear it is not through being tough.

Friends are splitting up, couples the same, people are struck by terrible diseases, and some are dying from them. Words do not suffice. I wish I could be there for all of my dear friends and family who are going through rough times, but some times it is just not possible. I hope they know that even though we are not really in touch, I care massively and the pain they are going through touches me deeply.

Seaman’s Log, Day 3 of Leg One of Journey to the New World

"Setting off on the first day all were busy, and I got engaged in relevant work very early. My fellow sailors all seem friendly; however I have yet to be at a workplace where politics are not rife. Since then it has been an increasingly rough sea, with the Captain today reprimanding me for not wearing appropriate dress, so this evening did my best to assemble suitable clothing. I guess I’ll see/hear/feel tomorrow if I have hit the high mark we are all meant to aim for. Tasks have been farther and farther between, mainly of the well-known “you-don’t-really-need-to-know-so-much-to-do-this”-type. Captain says that work which requires more brain-work will soon come my way, that I will be back in three weeks complaining over the workload. We’ll see. Better be busy than be idle, I say (at least when just commencing a new job and you really want to make a good impression, and when you obviously are not doing so through your physical appearance).

I shan’t be writing much these days, I have no time. I hope all is well for my friends and family."

So wrote I 2 weeks ago, already a long time since.. I've been so busy lately I don't even know whether I am coming or going anymore. I have been struggling to find time to be just by myself. I just want to do too many things, and I don't have the time to do it all. Work is 9-5.30 every day, and basketball has taken over 3-4 nights a week and the saturday for games. Too much? I think so. But now the main stress of my new job is over - I mean now I know where to find tea, how to open the safe and who to talk to about projects, etc, etc.

I have been gettring attached to some interesting projects and have already had the opportunity to partake in 2 consultation events and several site visits. It's great - and I think I'm going to enjoy the consultation part of the job a whole lot!

Tomorrow I'm off to Letchworth Garden City to do a Town Centre Appraisal, and was actually supposed to go with a colleague. She is really busy, so now I'm doing it alone...It's a bit much, but also really cool. It's a chance to show them that I can think!

My parents were here the last 2 weekends - lovely to see them here! This weekend my two bestest friends from uni are coming over, before heading to Marrakesh, I think for a study tour. It'll be great to see them here - I really don't get to spend enough time with my friends based in Denmark. I think we're mainly going to talk, eat, drink, watch the English watch rugby and.. well, that's gotta be enough!

Thinking of you all.

The first day of the rest of my life

Today was my first day at work. It went well, people were nice and all's good.It's weird though. All of a sudden my days will be totally filled up with work and basketball. And the next while I'll be having a few visits, my parents will be here for a long weekend and two really good friends for another weekend. I'm really looking forward to it! There's just a lot of stuff to deal with - I need to get new clothes for work. What I have now simply doesn't cut it! I think I may make it through the week with what I have, but that is it!

I will be brief today, I'm really busy these days!

The weather has changed

(Posted with a day's delay,I'm afraid)

Yesterday was cold - real cold. I have brought out my long, woollen sweaters, but am waiting a bit to unpack my winter coat. That would just be too much of a commitment..!

The last couple of days have been really exciting, even more than just the changing of the seasons, which in itself can be a thrilling ride of “oh no, it’s raining again” interspersed with those moments of clarity where you realise that you are part of something bigger, a system that keeps moving, no matter what goes on in your own little life.

Tuesday was challenging. I was preparing for my interview the day after (had to do a 10 minute presentation on what I can bring to the firm + several other tasks), and so actually had something to do. The rest of my course-mates were frantically completing their work on the exhibition that was to open at 6.30 that evening. I felt bad for not taking part in the preparations and had to keep reminding myself that what I was doing was equally important. I just really like to take part in common things like that. The exhibition was great, and all the hard work really paid off in the end. There were so many people there that one could hardly move – success! Most of the time I was just really happy for everybody, they were so happy to be done, and I genuinely smiled on the numerous photos being taken. At one point, however, I felt so alone. I was not done, did not have any relatives or friends there to see my work. I was not overjoyed to have completed the course, because I hadn’t! I wandered aimlessly around, taking in all the people looking in awe at the boards displayed, chattering away about how much work must go into the projects. My mind drifted to the interview the day after, but eventually I got to talking to some people again, which allowed me to enjoy the ret of my evening.

The day after I had my very first serious interview. I wasn’t sure how it had gone, but I did walk away with a positive feeling, yet I wasn’t entirely happy with my replies. I guess they were, since they called me today to offer me the job – starting Monday! I am terribly happy and confused at the same time. I have had no stable rhythm in my life all summer, and all of a sudden both basketball and a job commence simultaneously. I have been looking forward to this, but now I won’t have all that free time and be able to organise my days as I please. Part of growing up?

Have a list of about 25 points that I would like to have done before starting my job (!), it’ll be a busy weekend (and oh, the first basketball game is presumably on Saturday, too).

Wish me luck :.)

Job!!!

I got a job and I am thrilled! More later, going to basketball now..

fall has come

I was sitting in the park a few days ago when a small leaf landed on my bag. It is now an unavoidable fact: The seasons have turned, and what was a wet, confusing, painful, caring, tough, self-investigating summer is over. It is fall.

The new students have been arriving in the last couple of days, and it seems such a long and such a short while since we ourselves commenced this course. This evening my coursemates will be opening the exhibition of their work of the year. I will not have any work on show. It is odd, to have been a part of this group lke everyone else, and yet not to complete together with them. I chose it, and I accept my decision (and try my best to laud it, actually), but it is not easy at all times. Au contraire.

Tomorrow I have my first "real" job interview. Scary, thrilling and slightly disconcerting. There's a full programme of 2 hours (!) including me holding a 10-minute presentation on my skills, Q&A, showing project work examples and a written test. I think that it's really a lot! I just hope I get to walk out of that room with a good feeling's all.

Less than 45 minutes to the exhibition. Judging by how jittery I feel, they must be nervous wrecks.

Hopefully the new season will not just be an end to all that is known, but rather an opportunity to begin afresh and anew.

Rain also has its charms.

short update

Sometimes your life just keeps on moving, and from one day to the next suddenly major changes have taken place - and actually, you yourself might even have initiated and performed them. Walking away from my new flat, after having unloaded and carried up two loads of stuff, (helped by my Danish friend who is permanently anchored in London) I had this feeling...

I have been so busy lately (I know, I know, not the conventional way, but somehow all my days get filled up with all sorts of stuff). I have expanded on my "freelancing", and this now includes nannying a couple of Danish boys. The first time I looked after them one of them managed to kick a football onto my face, breaking my glasses. I have had them glued, but perhaps this is a sign from above/below (!) to get a new pair. Perhaps these? Have been looking lately.

Time has gone fast, this last year being extremely eventful in both good and bad ways. London is my home now, although I am struggling to get that homey feeling in the new flat. I've lived there since Saturday and haven't yet cooked - so unlike me!

I don't have internet at home, so I won't really be online so much the next while (unless I come in to uni, which I have been doing the last couple of days.. who said internet junkie?).

finally - a flat

Today I paid the deposit needed to secure my new residence in what's apparently a delightful place: Stoke Newington. I've only ever heard nice things about it, although some people have added a wry "..which the bourgeois upper-middle class people like" to the statement that there's a lovely organic farmer's market just around the corner. So far, I've seen tons of Turkish shops of all sorts (kiosks, fruits&vegs, cafées Turkish style, pizza places and kebab shops etc..). It's lively, which is nice.

My road is a nice residential road, not unlike the one I've lived on this last year. Ok, not AS nice, but it's the same lovely terraced houses, only with a higher percentage of unkempt and/or cemented front "gardens". Still, it has a nice feel to it, and I'm sure that I'll feel just fine coming home from baskebtall at night. The room is in a flat shared with one other, a Portuguese woman. It's about 3,5 squared, so there should be enough space for all my gear. We'll see.. I have, very slowly, begun thinking of and actually getting round to packing up my stuff. I have the room from tomorrow, so I can go there and get used to it, bringing some stuff there. I don't know if I'll fit all my things there, but, just for the record - YOU (as in: all my darling friends and family members contemplating visiting me!) are more than welcome to come and visit me, should you ever come to London! :.)

I'll throw on some pics when I've gone on recon one of these days.

london

a bustling dream, aspirations and disillusions, hopes and intimacy, feelings and detachedness. making it and making do, creating the real life, just surviving. london's solitude and cosyness, lonesomeness, fear, feeling content, yet wondering what might pop up around the corner - actually anticipating this disruption...

it's being part of an unruly disorganised group, it's being truly on your own. it's a dream come true coupled with feeling all lost. i love london.

this evening i hung out with two couples (one very dear, loved and well-known to me) who are both getting married within the next while. it's not really fair to call them just "couples", since they are four very sincere, caring and diverse people; they are not just part of a "thing". i was alright with being single in this situation, even though the one girl at one point chatted about me being alone and us not "being six at the table", eyeballing the empty chair next to me. No harm done. Not even when they started talking about what they were each doing for their honeymoon, what sort of dresses it would be acceptable to wear at the wedding... i mean, i understand all these concerns. what got me down was walking home alone. i got on the bus and all around me were more or less drunk people, either in couples or with that restlessly wandering eye (which god forbid i have, yet i fear i might), indicating a person in search of someone. and not just anyone, rather that someone needed for intimacy, be it corporeal or emotional.

for some reason, the pattern created by the light of a lamp post filtering through the crown of a tree, the silent hush of the residential streets, the smell of neatly planted flowers in a bourgois neighborhood... it all makes me feel all single and alone. as in, just me, all alone, no one else. it's ok, it's good, it's the way i want it. i like it. but it's tough, not having that someone at home, waiting, anticipating your return. for now the freedom of being just me makes up for that. even though i feel alone, walking home from a night out.

work, work, work, wo-ork...

Today has been a busy day: "freelance" jobbing in the morning, ever more flat viewings in the afternoon (2 nice ones in one day, imagine that!), an interview for my new nanny-job (I wonder why anyone would want to leave me their prize-children) and a gallery exhibition opening of.., well, a friend's, I guess. Yay - love your work!

Thursday and Friday next week I'll be nannying the two Danish boys, I hope that'll go smoothly.. we'll see, C. has told me enough stuff about them during this last year to make me fear the youngest just a tad.

And my darling friend who deserted me and left for Brussels when I came here to London is here for the weekend, so hopefully we can manage to hook up.

All's good.

more carnival!

(again, for more pics, please click here!)

So, yeah, I went again, this time accompanied by a friend, which was great! Someone to marvel with about all the crazy stuff going on! There were definately more people today. We got caught in several backed up patches, but I didn't find it too much. Here's how many people were there:

I could have stayed there several hours longer, dancing and taking it all in. Alas, another viewing (of a flat I don't want, unfortunately) was scheduled, so I had to get my ass to East London, as I am still working on this project. Tomorrow I don't think I'll get to see more flats, since my psycho-"freelancing" (!) is up to 3 sessions tomorrow, and I am going to the movies. But Wednesday and Thursday I already have a few viewings lined up. Hopefully I wil come across that *perfect* room and actually be offered it. They offered me one of the ones today, however it was really smal, 2x3 m. Nice people, great living room etc, but I'm just wondering if it might get a tad claustrophobic in that sort of a cubicle...

Sambaaaa!

(click here for more pics)

Pumping samba rhythms, all smiles, red stripe Jamaican lager, Caribbean food, coconuts, red-yellow-green, dancing kids, Caribbean flags and whistles, feathers, sequins, laughter, reggae, dancing, movement, flirting, beer stalls, corn on the cob, kissing, sleeping tiger in a buggy, shaking body parts, djs, sound systems, blaring hiphop, breakdance, super heroes on scene, beautiful dancing women...

And tomorrow's supposed to be THE day to go :.) We'll see!

s***

"So, eh, hey!"

"Hi, Trev!"

"So, yeah, hey, I just called to let you know that my flatmate's friend wanted the room, so, eh.. sorry. Well, hey, good luck finding another room. I'm sorry 'bout it..."

"Oh, I'm real sorry to hear that.. But I understand, your roomie's friend, I get it, it's only fair, huh. What a shame.."

So I'm back to hunting.

And as if that's not enough, my dear, dear childhood friend has now also broken up with her boyfriend after several years living together. What IS up with this bloody year? It's like the bad stuff just keeps rolling in. I really hope something good will come of all this..

Untill then, I'm back to flathunting (and man, even on the weekend of the biggest carnival in Europe, in Notting Hill!).

S***.

more flats, more "job"

So, my freelance job is going just great! Today I learned to wiggle my big toe and ear on the right hand side of the body! Very educational, and something I didn't imagine they wouldn't actually study at a research university!
Tomorrow I've got two experiments lined up, one more brain wave one and one hand something-something. I'm digging this - it's really easy money, and actually a quite interesting look into some rather obscure research areas. Friday I've got 3 experiments! You can almost make a living off this!!!

More flathunting today. I saw THE place I want to live - if I have a choice, this is my new home! After walking around in very drizzly/half rainy weather for 20 minutes, I walked to far up the road, had to go back, then entered an estate on the wrong side of the road, then came into the courtyard but disorientedly wandered out again following a waving of the guy I was meant to meet, and finally fought my way back into the courtyard and into the apartment. All rather embarrassing, as I called the poor guy 3 times while trying to get to the place!!! Anyways, the room was really nice, plenty of space, bright flat, nice kitchen, even nicer bathroom and the price was just marvellous! At 380£ a month including everything, that's a really good deal. So now I'm just waiting for Trev to call me back and tell me it's mine.. I'm hoping anyways..! Please, please, please!

As I sit here it's just started to really pour down outside. I am really missing the sunshine and hot temperatures from Greece :.(

flats and "jobs"

Today's been rainy. Well actually drizzly, lovely word. I woke up late and decided to stay in bed to read the sunday newspaper, which lay nearly untouched on the lovely linoleum flooring of the flat.

So I got up late, baked a peach pie (improvised, based on 3 recipes and my imagination), which turned out to be less than excellent but still edible, and wrote a few emails, checked the market for new flats.. And then I went to see one of the flats that I like again. I haven't found a place yet.

Now that I've been looking for a new place to live, I've been thinking about how much stuff I have and what sort of a room I'll need and so forth. It has dawned on me that he probably took with him 70% of the stuff that we brought here a year ago. There's really not very much left: My clothes and shoes (a remarkable amount at that), a single shelf of books (yes really, that's it! I'm surprised too!), a number of smaller boxes containing.. stuff, 2 small desk lamps, 1 larger one, and very limited kitchen supplies (they were ALL his). And then of course the bloody futon.

I'm sure it'll be more than enough when I get round to actually moving it, but thinking about it doesn't intimidate me right now :.)

I've taken up a, shall we call it, freelance job. All year long I've been receiving mails from several testing units from the university, primarily psychologic, and the other day I signed up for a brain wave experiment - just for the hell of it and because they pay 7.50/hour cash. Basically I had a good experience, although it was not a total piece of cake. For an hour and a half I sat and read a newspaper I had brought and chatted to the Japanese researcher while he attached 4 electrodes to my face (!) and I don't know how many to my head, on a white hoodie sort of thing. Then I did several tests, probably for 2 and a half hours (had tea and biscuits too!) and finally a nice shampoo and conditioning treatment to get the ionic paste out of my hair. Altogether 4 and a half hours, and I walked out 35£ richer and with clean hair. Easy peasy! So tomorrow I'm doing another one, but this time it's a "wriggle your toes and ears"-experiment. I wonder how that's going to go down - very exciting and interesting, hehe. And they pay too ;.) I also have another of the brainwaves lined up for Thursday.

Gotta make money somehow, eh?

flat hunting

I can't quite make up my mind who is in the stronger position: the flat hunter or the flat stayers.

I mean. The flat stayers want to make sure that the person moving in is nice, tidy, friendly and perhaps even up for socialising a bit. They want to make sure not to get any psychopaths in the door, and that the person they're offering to enter their flat is not going to nick stuff (foods or cash or jewellery or shampoo or..). And of course, that they'll pay rent on time.

Most of this stuff is pertinent both ways, but for the flat hunter there are more things to consider: for example whether the group of people in the flat are willing to open their potentially closed circle of flat mates to the newcomer, how the dynamics of the house is, and whether there are any skeletons in the closet, such as vermin, a s*** landlord or the like.

I've seen 8 flats now, each with pros and cons. One was an amazingly roomy flat, the room with a fantastic view from the 15th floor and with newly redone interior, but in a slightly nasty council estate. Another was a cheap room, but small and with young students (we're talking 20, 20 and 24!).. And yet another was a large, cheap room, with a garden, two showers and separate toilet, but in a, uhm.., slightly dilapidated condition.

So, what's the most important?
The size of the room (I want to be able to have firends over)
Whether there's a living room or not?
Are the people living there friend potential?
The total cost...?

I've been offered 3 or so of the ones I've seen (pretty good, I'd say, even the students wanted me!), and I'm not sure whether to take the more expensive one, which is in really good condition and where the people have friend potential, or the cheaper (by 100£/month), larger room, where I can't really have my bike and the people aren't as obviously great.. I think I'll chose one tomorrow.

ahh

Having recently, ahem, acquired numerous albums, I am overjoyed at the new music available to me!!

Am particularly happy with Common's new album "Finding Forever" - sweet as, I say. I love the softness to the numbers, a mellow yet edgy feel.


Amp Fiddler, "Afro Strut" is also being played repeatedly. Deffo some tunes are more likely to be on repeat than others ( track2: "If I don't" is a fave). I do think it's an album that needs to be put aside once in a while, but until then I'm enjoying the happy soul-y, funky, melodic sounds - I'm afraid of the funk overload, though!

Am still working on the Pharoahe Monch album Desire, am not entirely convinced yet, perhaps it's not smooth enough for my liking..

Justin is still with me whenever I need a boost, thank you very much!

Finally I'm over my Carla Bruni/Emiliana Torrini/Madeleine Peyroux/Corinne Bailey Rae/etc, etc. phase. I still like to put on the folky blue sounds from time to time, but I am no longer content with only this soul searching and, well, blue musica. Halleluja! ;.)

Any music suggestions out there for me? I'm in need of new stuff!

Status update

So. My landlords have let my flat, meaning that I really need to start looking for something now. Not just browsing and thinking about it.. It's just difficult, you know.

Do I want to have my own studio flat or share? And in that case, how many do I want to share with? The area is pretty much sorted, I want to stay around here.. I've got my basketball 3+ times a week, and the potential of getting a job in the area around Old Street/Liverpool Street Station is good. But I could move a bit in any direction from here, Dalston, Newington, Angel, Old Street..

Have been looking for jobs too, lately, since I decided to postpone my urban design report a while. It's a bit of a challenge to find jobs in a sector that I'm not sure what is ;.) I would prefer to not do straight-up urban design right now, and am trying to find some sort of research job where I might be able to use my design knowledge too. So far I have found one job that looks really good, but that was just lucky. Have spent the last two days looking for more like it, but nothing has come up so far! So I guess I need to continue re-working my CV and writing a covering letter for this one job that I have found.

Cretan pics

..and so I'm back!

One morning, when turning on my laptop, to my horror I realised that the keyboard did not work. I've tried every single on of them, but no. No cigar. Luckily I can still go online and check my mail, the news and whatever bookmarks I was lucky enough to have stored on my pc, but basically I'm screwed. When I need to write anything at all (and I have become increasingly aware of just how much one actually writes on a computer, lately) I will have to go to uni. Or alternatively, fix it, but that's just too much to ask right now :.) All in due time.

Just got back from a holiday to Crete with the girls from my basketball team! It was good fun and we all made sure to make the most of our tans! I'm proud to say that I used an SPF20 the whole trip, never have managed to be so ardent in my sun protection before.

I'd love to relate a lot from the trip, but basically all we did was chill on the beach or by the pool, eat yummy Greek food, including Greek salad and a broad variety of desserts, m-m-m! And of course we drove around the island a bit before hitting the bars/clubs in the evening. That's about it.

london by night

a slightly fuzzy London, seen from waterloo bridge the other night.

i might just add..

.. that the forecast for Crete is looking sweeeet!

decisions, decisions

One thing that I have realised lately is that I cannot just go with the flow forever. However much I'd love to, 'cause really, it IS the easiest!

Next step for a "lone" ranger in the world (not really, I have to many good friends, but still sometimes it feels that way...), trying to find her way in a jungle of confusion and emotions will be to face the consequences of choices that shape my life and sense of direction. I predict that the word consequences is one that will be a new favourite for understanding the next while - as in tasting, exploring and delving into what it really means. Perhaps I can get over my fear of all the possible and impossible implications and consequences that clutter the process of choosing.

At least I wasn't too concerned about the consequences when booking for my trip to Crete (actually, rather looking forward to them!)!

After what seems an eternity of waiting and looking forward to, the girls and I are going to Crete next week! Even though we will be travelling from 5 in the afternoon until 6 the next morning, I can't wait! Who wouldn't suffer a bit of travel like that for a week of sun, cocktails and giddy girly chat, dancing and relaxing! Wuhoo!! Especially since Lovely Greek Girl from Basketball Team Who's Fam Owns a Hotel Chain is coming to pick us up and install us in a villa :.) Can't go wrong with that. Now I just hope the bikini I have ordered online arrives in time...!

See, I can choose, now just need to apply this "skill" (right!) to more serious things, such as.. such as.. uh.. sorry, can't concentrate, my thoughts keep drifting towards an azure sea, beautiful sunsets and Greek architectural whiteness. ahh!

anyways, one love to y'all. ;.)

here's hoping he's clean!

with today's stage win on top of holding the mountain and the yellow jersey for well over a week, michael rasmussen's seriously looking like a winner of the whole of tour de france.

i'm hoping he'll go all the way, and show everybody what danish chickens are all about (!), yet also have quite a reluctant feeling about this doping issue.. no matter what, this year's tdf has been a great achievement for michael rasmussen. i'm just hoping he won't admit to having doped himself in 10 years time...


*EDIT*

my oh my.. and he's out, just a few hours after... what a terrible shame for him, for cycling, for denmark, for all that believe in honest sports and competitions.

Crit in 2 hours and 21 minutes..

Pulling a trusted allnighter is somehow comforting; I feel that I'm doing all that I can do. However, perhaps a bit of planning and motivation at an earlier stage might provide another type of comfort - and a bit more relaxation in the process.

Note to self: Do not simply contemplate setting up a structure for your studies. Actually do it.

Group work as opposed to individual work

What is more important: To be able to participate satisfactorily in group work or to be able to work entirely individually?

I sincerely hope that having capabilities in the group work category will bring me far in my upcoming career, 'cause my individual skills are truly lacking. It's just easier for me to be motivated when I'm working *with* someone.. I'm beginning to think that this "being independent"- thing is something I'll have to battle with forever, at least with regards to urban design :.)

I have got only two months to do some seriously sweet urban design work on my own, so I had better get going on a steep learning curve! Tomorrow, to the British Library, where I cannot procrastinate, at least not without getting so bored that I fall asleep.. which is then again also a challenge to my studies.. but it's better, at least I get SOME work done!

Here's a nice peaceful pic from Nordhavn in Copenhagen to wrap up a post about something entirely different..! Enjoyed a couple of hours with my dear childhood friend there (know her for 26 years!), watching the boats sail by and soaking up the last rays of the sun..


It's off to bed for me, so, one love to y'all, thanks for dropping by my very irregularly updated blog of sorts.

oh.my.god. It's J-U-S-T-I-N!!!

Justin Timberlake FutureSexLoveSounds 070707...

C and I had a great time, singing and dancing in an entirely full O2/milleneum dome. I think he managed to play basically all the songs from both his albums, backed by Timbaland on a couple of songs.. It was AMAZING! He managed to get the whole place hopping up and down, and us girls in the cheap seats wishing we could have afforded tickets for the VIP bar - literally being able to touch him as he danced across the bar... ;.)

I didn't expect it to be so great, nor Justin to perform such a fantastic show - dancing/singing/flirting with every single female at the concert...! I feel like a teenager again, infatuated with a popstar, haha!

The round stage in the middle of the arena worked incredibly well - perhaps because we were located above and could see him wherever he was on the stage.. The people on the floor may have been closer, but must've lost the overall sense of where he was.

All in all an excellent evening, in good company on the upper tier, with an amazing showman and a couple of hours of freedom from everyday worries.

Bringing SexyBack - hell yeah! ;.)

love undying

After a delayed plane trip due to heightened security because of the latest terror occurrences in the UK, I arrived to a wet and, to put it mildly, depressing London. The uncertainties awaiting me here had given me a rather uneasy feeling the last days before coming back - not knowing if he would be in the flat or would have found another place to live was disconcerting. I am not unaccustomed to, nor do I dislike, travelling alone, but this trip certainly had another emotional content than that of looking forward to coming home to someone.

As I made my way down my road, the ginger colored cat that sometimes runs away frightfully and other times is extremely cuddly came up to me, purring and soft in contrast to the dark of the rainy night. I stroked it for a short while, taking in the soft touch and ignorant caress of an animal, before continuing home along the glistening leaves and shiny dimness of the asphalt. I breathed in heavily in the damp night before unlocking the front door, and entered the hallway with a strange feeling of expectation and disappointment. The door to the flat was locked (of course, what did you expect?), and as I walked into the dark living room, the contours of piled up boxes on the couch appeared in a room devoid of light.

He has left.

I didn't know whether to feel relieved or tragically sad, and as the sweet smell of his perfume lingered in the room, I knew there was more. A letter. The letter. Spelling out all the feelings of a love undying, and leaving me feeling horrendously.

I wonder sometimes if I am a bad person. If I should have been able to sense these feelings earlier, if I have acted in an unfair way, if I have been selfish and self-destructing in my choice. I am hurting myself, and I know that I am hurting a person, who means so much to me. Is that not a bad thing to do?

I need to believe that this is the right thing to do. It is simply scary how much it hurts, even if it is the right thing. I didn't think 'right things' could hurt this much, but maybe in the end, it is doing the right things that hurts the most. I guess that if I accept this, then maybe I can also learn to accept the random caress of a ginger cat as a welcome home.

london life?

london seems such a scary place right now.

everything i can think of there needs my dealing with, and honestly i don't really feel like it. finishing my master's degree is way up there on the list of things i'd prefer to do really soon. however, i'd enjoy feeling some sort of motivation in that field. i can't get fired about it right now, and everybody keeps repeating the mantra of "it takes time/it will take time/time will heal all", and honestly - that's all good and well and i do believe in it. i just don't feel that i have the time! but. what's the rush? it's not like a have a plan for my future (maybe i should have) or that i know exactly what i want to do (sure would be nice though..). i'm totally going with the flow these days, bobbing about in a sea of emotions and feelings of confusions, aspirations, expectations, desires... taking my time.

i'll be going back to london in a couple of days, back to face the music. maybe it's good, maybe i'm just pushing things ahead of me, but on the other hand, then what's up with the "time"-mantra? my big dilemma right now is whether to pull myself together or to take an even longer time-out. i would just prefer that when i do pull myself together, it'll be to start on something i really want to do, not just to finish my degree, as in getting it over with.

reflections: 2

Being back in the family home brings forth a great deal of emotional dealings.

My brother is graduating and is looking a lot older than my mental image of him as an annoying six-year old brat (!), and my parents are working on selling the house that we moved in to just prior to his birth; a house that has been my sanctuary for nearly 20 years. Here's a thought: Can their new home, in the mild, beautiful and calm countryside of the north of Sjælland, become as much a home and a base for me as this one is now? I'm hoping the cliché "home is where the heart is" will prove true. The pictures look lovely, totally rural idyll, with a thatched roof and halftimbered structure. I hope to go see the new house in the weekend, after the wedding on Saturday.

So many things are happening now. I have taken an opportunity to stop and reflect on what is important. My family, friends, "career", interests long neglected.... I am at a crossroads right now, without knowing what sort of roads I am facing. It is clear to me, however, that my choice of career needs a thorough thinking through. Perhaps it is time to pursue what I am good at, enhancing my strong points so I can actually have some authority in a field instead of being moderately good at a lot of things.

useful..!?

This website may soon become the most useful tool to come my way... Imagine the wonderous word compositions I can spew after a visit to this incredible generator! I may even begin to be able to communicate with my tutor through a language approaching his highly sophisticated constructions...

Time

However strong I wish to appear to everybody around me (for some reason...), I feel that I cannot keep it up. I am NOT doing fine. I am not eternally happy. I crack up at the smallest things and wonder what the heck is going on around me. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it somehow is not appearing. I am static, however much I'd love to be capable of moving on swiftly.

This is going to take time.

hmm..

I'll try again, and then hope that this time it lasts :.)

light through windows

Although things have been dark recently, and I have been split between feelings of emancipation and deep heartwracking pain, I am in relatively good spirits. I had a week in Brussels, treating myself to that most precious of all things: time. And cake, but more about that later.

I stayed at a pleasant hostel, and tried to come to terms with the happy and spirited vibes in such a place, full of young (American) travellers in Europe for the first time. Difficult when you've been crying your eyes out for three days. But it was actually delightful to hang out with them, nobody knowing of all the woes that were at the back of my head. I did my best to be cheerful, but did get moments of feeling ancient and dull. Oh well, nothing new about that.

I managed to walk basically all over the "pentagon" that makes up inner city Brussels, coming across flea markets,the botanical gardens,patisséries with lovely cakes,
cosy cafées, an urban design exhibition (imagine just bumping into something like that!), a Hergé museum (tintin, eh?), oodles of chocolate shops... The city has a wonderful, walkable scale, and I felt very comfortable walking around for hours on end, losing myself in the sunny, winding streets.

After one night and two full days bound to a youth hostel, S. came back from Denmark, meaning that I could move into her's and A.'s apartment. Admittedly, I intended on getting my head straight when I left for Brussels, but the opportunity to simply forget about it all (at least for several consecutive hours) was too nice. The garden is lovely, and I made good use of it.


This post is a lot more cheery than I imagined it might be when I started. That's just me I guess. But things are changing a lot right now, and it has been and will continue to be difficult to deal with. It's like losing the frame of my life, and needing to piece together the contents as well. Me.

new look

...less gloomy perhaps..

the neverending story...

I remember hearing about a book, written with red and green ink, and which would continue in a coherent fashion if you were to re-start it once finished. I was very fascinated by this and naturally read it as soon as I could ahold of it. I read virtually anything I could get my hands on back then, incuding the dictionary and any obscure mathematical/feminist books stored by my parents. Amazing as the book was, I didn't have the energy to re-read the book after the first go, at least not more than a few pages. I was however striken by the weaving of story lines and time that was necessary in order to create this endless loop of a book.

Now I find myself in a situation, that seems similar. Whenever I "finish" something, I need to redo it. Doing my portfolio for this semester, I am virtually redoing it all (and I am sure that I could easily redo it all once more when I am done) in order to make it just remotely attractive to the tutors. Perhaps not "just" like in the book, but the general drift is there. This is one long year of studies. And I am NOT impressed by the weaving and general messiness of this course.

∞

edited to add...

UD overdose?

Even though I seriously (err, relatively seriously) considered changing my career into that of a house wife the day before the crit, a few days of relaxing can do a lot for a struggling mind.

It was quite inspiring to see the other students' work during the two crit-days, a lot of very different ground is being covered. However, there is a strong tendency towards landscape/ecological systems/land tracings etc. My project is also in this field, dealing with the meeting of town and countryside in all kinds of ways. The project seeks to create a new form of city that is based on an analytical and relational reading and interpretation of landscape and town. Existing and desired building blocks of nature (hedgerows, watercourses, path systems, enclaves of plants) and of town (a variety of building typologies, programmes) are used to create an overlay that generates the new development. This is guided by basic principles of sustainability, connectivity, an inter-relational evolution between the town and the countryside. Really quite interesting. Unfortunately, due to time issues, we didn't manage to conclude the process, which was and is still very frustrating... Now that the crit's over, it's time to move on to the portfolio hand-in next Friday.. A week after that, the submission of a 6000 word essay, and a week later another crit. This time we're to propose the subject of our thesis project and report... Another 3 busy weeks ahead.

Perhaps I'll have a relapse to my desire to become a house wife during that period.

4 days and 5 nights to go...

Crit time is looming on the (unfortunately) not to distant sky.. My group-mate finally managed to get her visa renewed and has returned to London. Now we're trying to finish up 2 term's worth of thoughtwork, with only a few days to go. My motivation can be found only be performing a thorough search (that includes staring at my agenda in disbelief), and even then tends to stray relentlessly.

mad tragedy

I guess everyone connected to the internet is aware of the craziness that took place in the States a couple of days ago. This event brings up the need to take a fresh look at the way we act in society, the way we treat other people. I'm hoping that the people who mocked and picked on this guy realize their part in this - not that I want them to feel terribly guilty - but because when people mock individuals that they do not understand or who stand out they are further distancing them from the society that they need connection to.

Also, extending a helping hand or directing people to help would be courteous..! What I'm talking about is something as old fashioned as caring enough for others to be bothered to consider what might help them. Basic values.

Sometimes I'm appalled at the way we ignore others, pursuing our own goals and ends..

another week! oh heaven!

A couple of days ago I managed to finally get through my stand-still in the project. It was such a relief, that now I'm going to reward myself with an afternoon off ;.)

Recently I've been fretting quite a bit over my up-coming project hand-in, due late this month. Yesterday, however, I was told that the due date has been pushed a week, meaning that I now have more time... great! But it also means that I have an extra week to sit in front of the computer, fighting with a blasted expansion vision plan about St Neots... Oh well, I guess I should focus on the reason I'm doing this - because I actually like it and am interested in it.. *Keep telling yourself, keep telling yourself....*

And also, another bonus incurred by the shifted due date is the fact that I can now participate in the sports awards dinner at uni. It's a yearly do at uni for the participants in the sports organised by the school, celebrating the achievements. Clara says it's a lot of fun, so I look forward to having a nice dinner with my team mates (and getting a little someting-something for our 2nd place in the UK tournament!).

Anyways, it feels like summer over here, 25 degrees announced for today, and a nice warm living room.. It's remarkable how much the weather affects your mood - can't help but smile these days when a ray of sun hits the table I'm working at.

More 'n more...

How many sketches can I draw that illustrate the same concept? Incredible.

Over the last three weeks I've been feeling the result of what I guess could be called an urban designer's "writer's block" - to the effect that I can't move on from the point I've reached in the design process. Very, very frustrating as the project needs to be finished before the end of the month... ARGHH!

Hopefully I can now move on, having procrastinated/struggled for such a long time. I need to. Gotta pass the project. Only problem iiiiis...... it's summer outside! 20 degrees and neighbours hanging out in the garden all day, enjoying themselves. Bugger!

reflections: the god delusion

Wow. That's all I can say. Reading a review of Richard Dawkins' book The God Delusion on amazon I was stunned by the harshness of the words of one particular reviewer, whose screen name is actually "Mellow Mel". Interesting. So what brought Mellow Mel into such an eloquent fury? Something as simple as - Atheism.

Mel states that... atheists come across as a curious breed. They place themselves firmly within the animal kingdom so by definition are non-human. They have no future except death. They believe life appeared by chance so they serve no practical purpose. They have no real concept of love, which is reduced a chemical/hormonal response in the body to encourage mating and family building. They have no accountability to a higher authority and therefore possess no moral or ethical obligations. Justice and a sense of right and wrong have no material foundations. Neither is there any responsibility to feel compassion as it conflicts with Darwin's `survival of the fittest' law. `Free thinkers' is how they describe themselves but abuse is meted out to anyone who doesn't think their way.

I beg to differ, as the attentive reader might have anticipated. Although I have recently discussed with my sociology studying friend how people abhor labelling themselves in this fluid, changing time, I am going to dare. Not a thoroughbred (yet), I do consider myself to be bordering on atheism. I do not believe in God, I do not believe in a greater purpose, I do not believe in punishment for our sins (other than what our conscience metes out). However, what I do believe in is the good in people. I needn't have that linked to a deity for it to be important and true to me.

For me, having a god in the picture confuses things. It's not about "God". It's about being a decent person that can be proud of her actions at the end of the day, at the end of life. It's about doing as well as possible, about creating a better place for all of us. Why do we need a god meddled into that? He doesn't live it, doesn't feel the shame of acting dishonestly ('cause he's never tried it you see...).

I haven't figured it out just yet. But my belief is based on the idea of individual growth and realisation as a means to improving the condition of the world. Big words, I know.

It's really late and I feel that there are so many more things to say about this. But it'll have to wait. I need sleep. More later, I promise. Perhaps when I have read the book.

mahatma

A tribute to Gandhi stands in a leafy square near my uni. Actually, he graduated from UCL. The last few times I was there to discuss some uni work, he just sat there, peaceful and calm, reminding me of the great things he worked for. (I'm assuming he'll be there for a while).

If only more people would seek to look inside themselves so as to try to create a better, more equal order in society. Equal treatments for people, equal opportunities. Walked through a part of Hackney the other day, and was appalled by what I saw. Council estate after council estate after.. You get the picture. None of the houses appeared to have actual frontages onto the street - who would want their frontage onto a bleak, lifeless street with potential crime around the corner? All that I saw was brick walls, buildings set back from the road and boring, under-utilized lawns littered with plastic bags and candy wrappers. Actually, I fear that a lot of the council estates in more peripheral locations in London are in a much worse state of upkeep. Anyway, my point is that continuing to place people in utterly uninspiring and disjointed urban settings is not a fair nor equal thing to do. Yes, I do realise that they get a place to live for a cheaper price than the rest of us on the private market. But can we as a society really afford to have people living in a physical environment that restricts their social mobility? Maybe in stead we ought to subsidise people that need the help (god knows London's an expensive place to live in) in a manner that allows them to be a part of the city life around them. Spend the subsidies on topping up what they pay in rent in a "normal" flat. Mix people of different social classes, so we can potentially get rid of this horrid term, or at least not have a bad taste in our mouth when thinking of the way the lowest in society are treated.

Naturally I think in urban design terms. It is my profession. This is just one small, but important thing that can be done to alleviate the troubles of an unequal society.

Gandhi went to my uni. Look at what he achieved. Perhaps if you put your weight behind your good thoughts...

London:PINK

Springtime, clear blue skies and the soft touch of a sun ray on your cheek. Ahh!


BTW. I've only recently begun wearing pink comfortably. As far back as I can remember, the color pink was a cause of great dispear. My mom would try to dress me in all sorts of pink garments, and I would object as loudly as I could and in the most obnoxious way possibly. I in particular recall a pink corduroy oshkosh b'gosh overall dress that would cause a tearful fit whenever she brought it to the fore. Now, I think it would be absolutely adorable for a 4-5 year old... Does that give me reason to not have kids of my own? I mean, being so disconnected from even my own experiences as a kid, how would it ever turn out should I (in due time, mom, don't get excited - there's no hidden agenda in this!) manage to spawn some?

London:RED

Photo shot during the total lunar eclipse just minutes ago. The total eclipse lasted from 22:44 to 23:58 GMT, March 3rd 2007.

The pictures turned out beautifully, but the redness was less evident on the London sky - here the moon took on a brownish-grey tone.

Here is a pic of the shadow of Earth cast by the Sun onto the Moon. It was taken prior to the total eclipse this evening.

all bloody right. so i've been tagged

As you may gather from the title, I'm not exactly thrilled about being thrown into any sort of self-exposing infantile games. But, since I've been tagged by Nurul (which I'm taking for some bizarre show of affection) I'd better get on with it. So here are the rules with which I was endowed:

Rules & Regulations:
Each player of this game starts out by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. After you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog!’

So, just for the record. I'll write about myself, but will not bother others to participate in this game.

Here goes:

Numberrrr 1!
My main oddity/weakness/strength has to be an undying belief in the good in all! Some call me naïve, I prefer the slightly more positive "idealist". Any of my friends will know that I'm always up for finding the up-side of things, no matter how bleak it all looks. I just prefer happy people and a positive outview. How else is everything going to be allright?

#2
I like to eat Danish "salty" licorice, which in the mouth of anyone from outside Denmark tastes like ammonium chloride with a twist.

#3
I happily mix and match literally any kinds of candy - aforementioned salty licorice & winegums (but that's and all-time-favorite in our family), chocolate muffins and winegums, peanut m&ms and licorice. I'm just curious, and as a matter of fact, if you don't mix things up a bit, how're you ever going to experience something new (and tasty)?

#4
I like to go to school, study, read any sorts of books, newspapers, articles. Ok, maybe it was weirder in grade school, but still. I take a genuine pleasure in it.

...This is going a lot easier than I thought it would be...

#5
I sincerely feel like I'm still 25. Not just because that's what I "want" to feel like (as in: refusing to grow older), but my mind simply cannot get onto the fact that I'm not 25 anymore. When I look in the mirror, I see "me, 25". When people ask me how old I am, I reply, "oh, me? I'm 25!". I wonder how long this will go on. My birthday was in October. :.)

...and for the grand finale, nuu-uumber 6!
For over 2 years of my life I didn't feel like chocolate. This one speaks for it self.
(Unfortunately/luckily, that's all over now...)

So, that's all. I hope you enjoyed the show. Just realized how much of this is about eating. Candy. Surprise, surprise!

info overload

Lately I've been feeling that I have waay to many things going on (or irons in the fire, as we say in Danish)....!

Basketball is coming to a close for the year - meaning that we have been training, like, 4 times a week lately! Like the "good old days", almost.. Tomorrow's a knock-out game against a supposedly horridly bad team, and next weekend is the finals tournament in Sheffield - a full 3½ days. Hopefully we'll walk away the champions of the British University Sports Association's Women's Basketball League! We have a few tough games ahead, and I am looking forward to it.

However, uni is also pushing ahead, and a new draft of my essay on social sustainability in planning processes is due soon. Plus, we have a preliminary crit (i.e. critique/presentation) in the main project real soon (in which we are studying temporal development and planning, flexibility in the built environment etc). And, we have a number of lectures every Tuesday, which again deal with entirely different issues. Today was Sir Terry Farrell, who turned out to be an incredibly inspiring and knowledgable fella with a lot to say about London and the processes involved in making city.

Not to mention my continuous discussions on religion and society with my contact in the "muslim world".

I'm not complaining.

It's just a lot to handle, even for my multitasking-accustomed brain. Somehow, I just hope that I can manage to juggle all these inputs, 'cause actually I find all of them very... shall we say, educational.

photos re: that new orchid

Here're a few snaps from today's sunny afternoon session at our place with N, obviously we were studying REAL hard! All photos courtesy our camera and N's talent :.)

(Please note the very fashionable and approximately 30 year old curtains.. so en vogue, think you not!)

We did actually work, and managed to draw up a basic strategy for the project. The project is coming along ok, but man, do we have a lot of work ahead.