I'm doodling about with a project. I should be packing, I'm going home tomorrow. Home, as in, the home I don't live in. But I'm excited - it's about cities, it's what I want to do.. It's Elemental.
More to follow.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Autumn dreams
Great big mounds of sand, light and fine. We're underground. I clamber to the cusp of the dunes and see the finest grains start trickling down the other side. My link to history is there. She looks at me from below, near her vehicle. The trickle of sand start to increase in volume, soon the whole surface is moving, sliding slowly, slowly down towards her. I stand there, calling to her, as the sand starts to settle around her and the vehicle - I can't see her any more! The vehicle is engulfed, a deepening of the sand where it is. What's happening - is she ok?
I'm in an underground space, ceiling above me grey and darkening. Lockers like those in a high school, but no, not exactly like that, stand in a corner of the vast space. She is here with me. I open a creaky door by unhooking a basic lock device. Fine sand lays in small dunes along the edges of the space, covering the edges of a big portfolio. I reach in and lift it out, balancing the handwritten notes inside carefully to the table. As I start to leaf through it I hear sounds, it's war out there beyond the walls. I hear something - he's coming, and I am both excited and ashamed to be going through these memories. Suddenly she and I look at each other and I hastily try to replace the portfolio in the locker, shutting the door loudly, engaging the locking device - it's not working now - oh no! He's in the room, large and frail. It's ok. He looks at me with the deepest clarity in his eyes, and I see him for the man he once was. I disengage the lock on the locker again and replace the portfolio on the table.
I'm in an underground space, ceiling above me grey and darkening. Lockers like those in a high school, but no, not exactly like that, stand in a corner of the vast space. She is here with me. I open a creaky door by unhooking a basic lock device. Fine sand lays in small dunes along the edges of the space, covering the edges of a big portfolio. I reach in and lift it out, balancing the handwritten notes inside carefully to the table. As I start to leaf through it I hear sounds, it's war out there beyond the walls. I hear something - he's coming, and I am both excited and ashamed to be going through these memories. Suddenly she and I look at each other and I hastily try to replace the portfolio in the locker, shutting the door loudly, engaging the locking device - it's not working now - oh no! He's in the room, large and frail. It's ok. He looks at me with the deepest clarity in his eyes, and I see him for the man he once was. I disengage the lock on the locker again and replace the portfolio on the table.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Marathon
A while back I committed to running the Barcelona Marathon on 7th March 2010. It sort of happened by itself.
My running buddy D, who was a friend of a friend and who decided that we should run together despite me hesitating, is from Girona. When we started running together nearly a year ago now, he lived 15 minutes away and we were both unemployed, and so it was easy to do. He was training for the 2009 version of the marathon and went on to successfully run it, in March last year. He kept challenging me to join him, or to consider another marathon, saying stuff like - you need to run a marathon, you're competitive, you ARE competitive.. as I would stress the fact that I took up running as a means to liberating myself from competition with (team)mates and to create a space where I could just be, just run.
I still see my running as a free space, but I am beginning to lump it into the "things I need to do" category, merely because it wouldn't otherwise happen, between travelling and working and doing various other projects.
I ran a couple of races this summer, enjoying myself along the way, and in particular my half marathon is something I'm very proud of. I ran those races for the sheer fun of it, to prove to myself that I, just me - ME!, could do it. And I did. I ran them all alone and achieved the results I wanted: satisfactory timings and a sense of pride and contentedness.
When D moved back to Girona this summer, I knew I was going to miss our running together, but also what had turned into a warm friendship. Him being a sports therapist, he would treat me for my sciatica, and I'd help him work on the website for his business. He'd make dinner, and we'd go for drinks, talking running and all the other stuff that happens in life. He became a good friend. So when he went back, the possibility of seeing him again in March to run together made so much sense that I said I'd do it. So now I am. And I've even been telling other people (even people at work, you fool!) that I'm going to go and I'm going to run it. It scares me to no end.
My main worries are these:
I won't take the time to train properly
I might have troubles with my sciatica (I need to have some treatment..)
I have no clue of proper marathon nutrition/hydration
My commitment isn't strong enough and I will waver
I'm excited too. This is what gets me going:
I'm going to bloody run a marathon!
I get to visit D in his home town
I get to run a marathon, my first, with D
If I can complete my training satisfactorily I'm sure I'll do great
The training will keep me fit and healthy
I haven't begun training properly, and as a matter of fact, I haven't been running as much as I usually would. I've just started a new job and a lot's going on in my life right now. So, this week I realised that there is not much more than 3 months to go, and I need to get me a running programme that I can then proceed to adjust, but at least I'll have one. I know for a fact that with my long hours at work it is difficult but possible to squeeze in runs, by taking TOIL in the morning, which I've been doing recently, and by going for a run before breakfast when away for conferences.
I've done the maths, and I've got 15 weeks from now to then. That's 3 months and 2 weeks. In the next month I'm going to India for 12 days (what am I going to do?! Can I run in 33 degrees?), and I'm going home for Christmas (the food will pose a challenge, but I did great with running last year so that might be ok). 15 weeks is about 3 weeks shorter than most marathon programmes will cover. I'm hoping that the fact that I've been running for well over a year (started properly in July of last year) will be a benefit.
This is going to be a (yet another) challenge over the next months.
I think I've delved enough into this for now, but will just share a sentence from a book I might need to buy:
"Marathoners battle the fiercest of foes: their own psyches".
My running buddy D, who was a friend of a friend and who decided that we should run together despite me hesitating, is from Girona. When we started running together nearly a year ago now, he lived 15 minutes away and we were both unemployed, and so it was easy to do. He was training for the 2009 version of the marathon and went on to successfully run it, in March last year. He kept challenging me to join him, or to consider another marathon, saying stuff like - you need to run a marathon, you're competitive, you ARE competitive.. as I would stress the fact that I took up running as a means to liberating myself from competition with (team)mates and to create a space where I could just be, just run.
I still see my running as a free space, but I am beginning to lump it into the "things I need to do" category, merely because it wouldn't otherwise happen, between travelling and working and doing various other projects.
I ran a couple of races this summer, enjoying myself along the way, and in particular my half marathon is something I'm very proud of. I ran those races for the sheer fun of it, to prove to myself that I, just me - ME!, could do it. And I did. I ran them all alone and achieved the results I wanted: satisfactory timings and a sense of pride and contentedness.
When D moved back to Girona this summer, I knew I was going to miss our running together, but also what had turned into a warm friendship. Him being a sports therapist, he would treat me for my sciatica, and I'd help him work on the website for his business. He'd make dinner, and we'd go for drinks, talking running and all the other stuff that happens in life. He became a good friend. So when he went back, the possibility of seeing him again in March to run together made so much sense that I said I'd do it. So now I am. And I've even been telling other people (even people at work, you fool!) that I'm going to go and I'm going to run it. It scares me to no end.
My main worries are these:
I won't take the time to train properly
I might have troubles with my sciatica (I need to have some treatment..)
I have no clue of proper marathon nutrition/hydration
My commitment isn't strong enough and I will waver
I'm excited too. This is what gets me going:
I'm going to bloody run a marathon!
I get to visit D in his home town
I get to run a marathon, my first, with D
If I can complete my training satisfactorily I'm sure I'll do great
The training will keep me fit and healthy
I haven't begun training properly, and as a matter of fact, I haven't been running as much as I usually would. I've just started a new job and a lot's going on in my life right now. So, this week I realised that there is not much more than 3 months to go, and I need to get me a running programme that I can then proceed to adjust, but at least I'll have one. I know for a fact that with my long hours at work it is difficult but possible to squeeze in runs, by taking TOIL in the morning, which I've been doing recently, and by going for a run before breakfast when away for conferences.
I've done the maths, and I've got 15 weeks from now to then. That's 3 months and 2 weeks. In the next month I'm going to India for 12 days (what am I going to do?! Can I run in 33 degrees?), and I'm going home for Christmas (the food will pose a challenge, but I did great with running last year so that might be ok). 15 weeks is about 3 weeks shorter than most marathon programmes will cover. I'm hoping that the fact that I've been running for well over a year (started properly in July of last year) will be a benefit.
This is going to be a (yet another) challenge over the next months.
I think I've delved enough into this for now, but will just share a sentence from a book I might need to buy:
"Marathoners battle the fiercest of foes: their own psyches".
status quo
We had wine and we had good times. It's remarkable how family members are so familiar, comfortable, easy, and at the same time so remote and self contained.
Most of the time I feel that I understand exactly what's going on, but then she heads off on some tangent (much like I have a tendency to do) and I sit, shaking my head and thinking, shit, I don't get this - what's she on about?!
But life moves.
It's an unsettling feeling to see someone you love in a place that you know she doesn't need to be in, somewhere that doesn't do her good. It makes her money, good money, it keeps her from thinking about all the things that would pop up if she were to stop op and give her life a thorough once-over. But it's hard work, life happens, and she justifies it happening to her by saying that she is making a choice to earn the good money (and she is) and ignoring the fact that she's, well, ignoring.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have this ability to see other people struggling. That I could also ignore and just get on with it.
A whirlwind brings me home, too fast, I wish I could stay on my bike, feeling the cold air, and hearing people look at me. The cherry trees are blooming, it's very confusing, here in late November. Buses and taxis flow by in a steady continuum, young girls show their belonging to different social arenas. Some flash all they've got in shiny sequined, skin tight, mini-what evers, others cover up in woollens from the 70s and wear the trilby, sign extraordinaire of a middle-class twat.
And I go home.
Most of the time I feel that I understand exactly what's going on, but then she heads off on some tangent (much like I have a tendency to do) and I sit, shaking my head and thinking, shit, I don't get this - what's she on about?!
But life moves.
It's an unsettling feeling to see someone you love in a place that you know she doesn't need to be in, somewhere that doesn't do her good. It makes her money, good money, it keeps her from thinking about all the things that would pop up if she were to stop op and give her life a thorough once-over. But it's hard work, life happens, and she justifies it happening to her by saying that she is making a choice to earn the good money (and she is) and ignoring the fact that she's, well, ignoring.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have this ability to see other people struggling. That I could also ignore and just get on with it.
A whirlwind brings me home, too fast, I wish I could stay on my bike, feeling the cold air, and hearing people look at me. The cherry trees are blooming, it's very confusing, here in late November. Buses and taxis flow by in a steady continuum, young girls show their belonging to different social arenas. Some flash all they've got in shiny sequined, skin tight, mini-what evers, others cover up in woollens from the 70s and wear the trilby, sign extraordinaire of a middle-class twat.
And I go home.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
When serious things come a bit too close
This evening I was returning from a design training in Bristol. We worked with several groups of young people, one of which was a group of 5 boys from a challenged school. They were pretty disruptive to each other and the rest of the groups, but their responsible adult kept stressing that they were very well-behaved for kids from their school. Apparently Bristol's a pretty harsh place in certain areas.
Settling into my seat on the train back to London my eye caught a headline about ..youths.. shooting.. London.. I thought to myself, oh, another one. Then I looked a bit closer and saw Stoke Newington in there. I flipped to page 11 and there was the name of my road in the text, a description of the boys that always hang out around my tower block, and a mention of the community centre that's nearly always closed and looks so sad with it's windows barred for protection.
3 young people have, while I was away, been shot just moments and meters away from my front door. My flatmate was home, and just like everyone else, he assumed the bangs were just the ubiquitous fireworks, and the group of kids just the kids that always hang out a the foot of our building. He didn't realise that 3 14-15 year old kids had been shot by a rival gang.
It's a bit scary, really. I've noticed lately that something's going on with the kids. There's been more of them, more often. And there has been more police presence on the estate, too, in the form of officers slowly patrolling the area, but certainly also in police vans chasing kids on scooters (only to get caught up by the lovely 60s urban design of the estate). This didn't happen when I first moved here a year and a half ago. I stopped a couple of officers on patrol just the other day to ask why there seemed to be more police, and they told me that they were just establishing a presence in the area in response to the young people here, nothing to worry about, ma'am.
Yeah, right.
What kind of places are we living in, where children have access to guns and shoot each other? And why the heck am I living in the middle of it all? And why is nothing being done to the physical, emotional, social and financial deprivation of my estate and of others around the country? Estates that encourage and enable behaviour that is not for the best of the community. Estates that do not inspire people to dream that their lives could be different of the lives of their parents, estates that are not legible, not accessible, not fit for purpose. Estates that have been built in one fell swoop, or estates that have developed piecemeal to a hodgepodge of disconnected spaces, linked by a series of non-places. No, I don't mean the Marc Augé ones; I'm on about the appallingly unpersonal and unwelcoming concrete leftover spaces that incompetent planners and designers failed to address in an appropriate manner. I'm talking about seedy concreted spaces that are fenced in and used for littering, broken curbs, a horrid back alley used for parking and dumping of all sorts of garbage and large household furnisings, narrow and poorly lit alleys and walkways, derelict green spaces, etc etc. Just outside my front door, and so many other people's.
As ever, my dear two readers, I hope you're doing well. Today I'll add in another hope - that you are and will remain far removed from gun-toting, balaclava-wearing kids on bikes.
Settling into my seat on the train back to London my eye caught a headline about ..youths.. shooting.. London.. I thought to myself, oh, another one. Then I looked a bit closer and saw Stoke Newington in there. I flipped to page 11 and there was the name of my road in the text, a description of the boys that always hang out around my tower block, and a mention of the community centre that's nearly always closed and looks so sad with it's windows barred for protection.
3 young people have, while I was away, been shot just moments and meters away from my front door. My flatmate was home, and just like everyone else, he assumed the bangs were just the ubiquitous fireworks, and the group of kids just the kids that always hang out a the foot of our building. He didn't realise that 3 14-15 year old kids had been shot by a rival gang.
It's a bit scary, really. I've noticed lately that something's going on with the kids. There's been more of them, more often. And there has been more police presence on the estate, too, in the form of officers slowly patrolling the area, but certainly also in police vans chasing kids on scooters (only to get caught up by the lovely 60s urban design of the estate). This didn't happen when I first moved here a year and a half ago. I stopped a couple of officers on patrol just the other day to ask why there seemed to be more police, and they told me that they were just establishing a presence in the area in response to the young people here, nothing to worry about, ma'am.
Yeah, right.
What kind of places are we living in, where children have access to guns and shoot each other? And why the heck am I living in the middle of it all? And why is nothing being done to the physical, emotional, social and financial deprivation of my estate and of others around the country? Estates that encourage and enable behaviour that is not for the best of the community. Estates that do not inspire people to dream that their lives could be different of the lives of their parents, estates that are not legible, not accessible, not fit for purpose. Estates that have been built in one fell swoop, or estates that have developed piecemeal to a hodgepodge of disconnected spaces, linked by a series of non-places. No, I don't mean the Marc Augé ones; I'm on about the appallingly unpersonal and unwelcoming concrete leftover spaces that incompetent planners and designers failed to address in an appropriate manner. I'm talking about seedy concreted spaces that are fenced in and used for littering, broken curbs, a horrid back alley used for parking and dumping of all sorts of garbage and large household furnisings, narrow and poorly lit alleys and walkways, derelict green spaces, etc etc. Just outside my front door, and so many other people's.
As ever, my dear two readers, I hope you're doing well. Today I'll add in another hope - that you are and will remain far removed from gun-toting, balaclava-wearing kids on bikes.
Friday, October 16, 2009
From 0 to 100
I'm hoping that that tickling at the back of my throat isn't what it feels like.. I really don't have time to get sick these days. The next two weeks are action packed like none have been recently (and the last two have been mad enough).
Next week I'm going away for a network meeting all of Tuesday, to hear what they're on about, tell them about my charity, and hopefully to scope some professionals that we can rope in for our project support and training. Then Wednesday I'm off to Exeter for a project support scoping visit with a potential group, Thursday's a conference that I'm doing some workshops at, and Friday's another scoping visit, this time with a group that wants to do an off-grid learning centre out in nature somewhere in Dorset.
Then Saturday is the Nike+ Human Race (10K with Sara in Victoria Park), and Sunday I head up to Bristol for the young people's design training that is Monday through Tuesday. Thursday I go on holiday for a few days. Phew. The TOIL I'm accruing will be massive...
Someone, tell me that it's all going to go to plan. I've got SO much to do before then that it's unbelievable. I obviously need to prepare bits and bobs for each of these events. Shoot, I need to sleep too!
BUT. It's exciting, extremely relevant, and I want to do it all.
I need to get me some oranges, drink me some tea and keep wrapping up in wool.
London learning, over and out.
Next week I'm going away for a network meeting all of Tuesday, to hear what they're on about, tell them about my charity, and hopefully to scope some professionals that we can rope in for our project support and training. Then Wednesday I'm off to Exeter for a project support scoping visit with a potential group, Thursday's a conference that I'm doing some workshops at, and Friday's another scoping visit, this time with a group that wants to do an off-grid learning centre out in nature somewhere in Dorset.
Then Saturday is the Nike+ Human Race (10K with Sara in Victoria Park), and Sunday I head up to Bristol for the young people's design training that is Monday through Tuesday. Thursday I go on holiday for a few days. Phew. The TOIL I'm accruing will be massive...
Someone, tell me that it's all going to go to plan. I've got SO much to do before then that it's unbelievable. I obviously need to prepare bits and bobs for each of these events. Shoot, I need to sleep too!
BUT. It's exciting, extremely relevant, and I want to do it all.
I need to get me some oranges, drink me some tea and keep wrapping up in wool.
London learning, over and out.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Ode to Saga
The seasons are changing. I keep repeating that to everyone, but foremost myself. It's clear; the air nips at my chin if I don't keep it tucked into my scarf, and full days of rain remind me that my outerwear is not water proof. Clear skies shift and are replaced with a lucid cover of greys. Soft and mellow anticipation of blustering winds comes and goes with the arrival of gust lifting surprisingly long strands of hair into the air, like antennae.
Shifting into a space that is open and inviting, however challenging, maybe inviting because it is challenging, challenging because it is open. Engaging seems just ahead.
___
Sometimes you meet people and they make an impression. Sometimes you meet people and they hardly register as a blip on your radar. Sometimes the briefest of encounters stay with you forever, and occasionally a seemingly meaningless meeting turns into something of longevity.
Out of two potential relations, what then makes one relationship last, and another falter? How can maintaining a relationship with someone on the other side of the world come so much more naturally than staying in touch with someone just up the street?
___
It's all about movement, now. And daring. Moving, and daring.
Shifting into a space that is open and inviting, however challenging, maybe inviting because it is challenging, challenging because it is open. Engaging seems just ahead.
___
Sometimes you meet people and they make an impression. Sometimes you meet people and they hardly register as a blip on your radar. Sometimes the briefest of encounters stay with you forever, and occasionally a seemingly meaningless meeting turns into something of longevity.
Out of two potential relations, what then makes one relationship last, and another falter? How can maintaining a relationship with someone on the other side of the world come so much more naturally than staying in touch with someone just up the street?
___
It's all about movement, now. And daring. Moving, and daring.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
August
Can't believe that today is August 6th. This year is just cruisin' by, days falling from the calendar like nothing. So much has been going on that I have had little time, let alone mental capacity, for anything 'extra-curricular' such as blogging..
I started getting paid 15 June for 2 days work in the charity I've been volunteering in, but have been unsuccessful in securing a permanent job with them - twice.. It's weird, cause they express that they really like me, but in the end I don't get the jobs. They have been talking about how the jobs were perhaps not thte right thing for me (not challenging enough over time). I can't help but feel that perhaps that should be up to me, but on the other hand, their choices have led me to the position I'm in now, where I just last Wednesday started my new temporary 3 day weekly consultancy position in a charity that works to support and train community groups to engage in their local area. I'm covering both (temporary) positions at the same time over the next month(s?), and am learning to manage to engage my mind where I am and to manage my time well.
I started a healthy living programme early April, and have through that gained a hold on my eating, more or less. I've got aims for my nutritional values, and have lost about 5kg and 8cm off my hips. It takes energy to track all the food I eat, but it's proving really useful to me and I'm learning loads about nutrition along the way. It's funny, 'cause my mom has always had a strong focus on it, especially for us kids, but understanding portion sizes and what's right for ME, now that's another story. Now I aim to snack throughout my working day and to eat sturdy meals that will provide me with slow releasing energy that'll last me till my next meal. I feel like I'm eating all the time (and I am!) but I'm getting so many less calories onboard, and they're of the right kind for me right now. For my snacks I eat fruit, nuts, drink a little smoothie, a couple of healthy biscuits, roasted soy nuts etc.
I went to Denmark for a little week for a bit of a holiday and a wonderful hen night for a close friend.
My 'favourite aunt' who used to visit us when I was a child came for a 4-day visit in London with her two gorgeous kids.
4 friends visited me in London for 4 days.
My friend got married July 12th in a beautiful Jewish ceremony, in a handsome old Hall in the countryside. (All the many preparations paid off, I got the bridal bouquet in the end, haha! Who knows where this will lead!?)
I ran my first half-marathon on July 19th in the time 1:48:29.
Phew..
Now for the next slew of activity.. I'm going to Denmark for another hen night for a friend this weekend, and then again a couple of weeks later for the actual wedding. After that it seems that things will become more stable. Unless I keep it all in overly dynamic motion, that is.
All along, I'm still trying to navigate a fragile mind... However great advances I feel I'm making, I just keep encountering more and more sore spots in there, tender to the touch.. brittle. I tend to leave them alone, to the degree that I don't acknowledge them in my conscious mind, yet they continue to pop up now and again only to be battered aside. I think it's time to start holding them out in front of myself. Examine them. Deal.
I started getting paid 15 June for 2 days work in the charity I've been volunteering in, but have been unsuccessful in securing a permanent job with them - twice.. It's weird, cause they express that they really like me, but in the end I don't get the jobs. They have been talking about how the jobs were perhaps not thte right thing for me (not challenging enough over time). I can't help but feel that perhaps that should be up to me, but on the other hand, their choices have led me to the position I'm in now, where I just last Wednesday started my new temporary 3 day weekly consultancy position in a charity that works to support and train community groups to engage in their local area. I'm covering both (temporary) positions at the same time over the next month(s?), and am learning to manage to engage my mind where I am and to manage my time well.
I started a healthy living programme early April, and have through that gained a hold on my eating, more or less. I've got aims for my nutritional values, and have lost about 5kg and 8cm off my hips. It takes energy to track all the food I eat, but it's proving really useful to me and I'm learning loads about nutrition along the way. It's funny, 'cause my mom has always had a strong focus on it, especially for us kids, but understanding portion sizes and what's right for ME, now that's another story. Now I aim to snack throughout my working day and to eat sturdy meals that will provide me with slow releasing energy that'll last me till my next meal. I feel like I'm eating all the time (and I am!) but I'm getting so many less calories onboard, and they're of the right kind for me right now. For my snacks I eat fruit, nuts, drink a little smoothie, a couple of healthy biscuits, roasted soy nuts etc.
I went to Denmark for a little week for a bit of a holiday and a wonderful hen night for a close friend.
My 'favourite aunt' who used to visit us when I was a child came for a 4-day visit in London with her two gorgeous kids.
4 friends visited me in London for 4 days.
My friend got married July 12th in a beautiful Jewish ceremony, in a handsome old Hall in the countryside. (All the many preparations paid off, I got the bridal bouquet in the end, haha! Who knows where this will lead!?)
I ran my first half-marathon on July 19th in the time 1:48:29.
Phew..
Now for the next slew of activity.. I'm going to Denmark for another hen night for a friend this weekend, and then again a couple of weeks later for the actual wedding. After that it seems that things will become more stable. Unless I keep it all in overly dynamic motion, that is.
All along, I'm still trying to navigate a fragile mind... However great advances I feel I'm making, I just keep encountering more and more sore spots in there, tender to the touch.. brittle. I tend to leave them alone, to the degree that I don't acknowledge them in my conscious mind, yet they continue to pop up now and again only to be battered aside. I think it's time to start holding them out in front of myself. Examine them. Deal.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Regent's Park 10km race
Yay! Just ran my first properly timed 10k race this Saturday and I'm well pleased with the results! After having a fairly bumpy ride this year with injuries and a bit of illness topped off with 3 weeks of no running at all due to sciatica I managed to pull a sub 50 min result out of the hat! :D
I'm going to hit that 45 min mark this year!
Race report: Regent's Park 10k Summer Series
I made sure I got an early night the night before, and that I had plenty of carbs and all the good, healthy stuff the night before (including a bit of ice cream to make sure I was comfortable, hehe). It was drizzling outside as I had my bran flakes / banana breakfast, and I wasn't sure my chosen outfit of a t-shirt was really a good idea.. I decided to go with it and left the house, only to get fairly wet by the rain on my way to the bus stop.. was this going to work out?!
I arrived at Regent's Park at 8.45, 15 mins to go till the start - hurry up! Power walked to the Hub, got changed, left my bag, power walked to the start.. It's still drizzling heavily.. Off goes the start! Oh no, my ipod's not on, fumbling with it.. man! I'm running too fast.. Get caught up by the moment - all these people running faster than me! After 1.5k I settle into a stable pace, although still faster than normal.. This is going fine, the drizzle's ok too. There's a woman running around my pace, I'll stick to her.. First lap of three in 16.30, this is fine.. Lap two was nice and easy, still a bit wet, but nothing much to worry about, I keep my pace. There's people taking photos - this is fun! I like racing! The last lap is here - I feel my legs getting a bit tired, but halfway through I can see the end - and decide to up my pace a bit to see how many people I can pass. I pass a guy with a t-shirt saying "Only a fool believes there's no God - don't be silly" thinking well, agnostics apparently run faster, I'll take the sillyness any day... The last two corners - I'm running faster - I'm going to catch this guy - no, he sees me, looks and takes off - he's gone like an antilope that's being chased. The last stretch - I push myself, gotta beat that girl, check - beat that one, check! Finish! Ahh.... this was fun!
Walk to the Hub again, grab a banana and some water and think to myself that I really need to race more.
Just went over the final results, and saw that I came better than 25 out of 228 on the women's side and better than 140 out of the 443 total - wow! That rocks!
I'm going to hit that 45 min mark this year!
Race report: Regent's Park 10k Summer Series
I made sure I got an early night the night before, and that I had plenty of carbs and all the good, healthy stuff the night before (including a bit of ice cream to make sure I was comfortable, hehe). It was drizzling outside as I had my bran flakes / banana breakfast, and I wasn't sure my chosen outfit of a t-shirt was really a good idea.. I decided to go with it and left the house, only to get fairly wet by the rain on my way to the bus stop.. was this going to work out?!
I arrived at Regent's Park at 8.45, 15 mins to go till the start - hurry up! Power walked to the Hub, got changed, left my bag, power walked to the start.. It's still drizzling heavily.. Off goes the start! Oh no, my ipod's not on, fumbling with it.. man! I'm running too fast.. Get caught up by the moment - all these people running faster than me! After 1.5k I settle into a stable pace, although still faster than normal.. This is going fine, the drizzle's ok too. There's a woman running around my pace, I'll stick to her.. First lap of three in 16.30, this is fine.. Lap two was nice and easy, still a bit wet, but nothing much to worry about, I keep my pace. There's people taking photos - this is fun! I like racing! The last lap is here - I feel my legs getting a bit tired, but halfway through I can see the end - and decide to up my pace a bit to see how many people I can pass. I pass a guy with a t-shirt saying "Only a fool believes there's no God - don't be silly" thinking well, agnostics apparently run faster, I'll take the sillyness any day... The last two corners - I'm running faster - I'm going to catch this guy - no, he sees me, looks and takes off - he's gone like an antilope that's being chased. The last stretch - I push myself, gotta beat that girl, check - beat that one, check! Finish! Ahh.... this was fun!
Walk to the Hub again, grab a banana and some water and think to myself that I really need to race more.
Just went over the final results, and saw that I came better than 25 out of 228 on the women's side and better than 140 out of the 443 total - wow! That rocks!
Friday, June 05, 2009
A job?
Sort of.
I've been volunteering with a charity over the last 2 months, and as a paid position to do exactly what I do as an un-paid volunteer came up, I applied. I got shortlisted, and had an interview, and came second. I didn't get the job, and if I had been writing this yesterday, when I was told I didn't get it, I would undoubtedly have included a much greater amount of disappointment and surly comments. However, even though I was disappointed, I thought a lot about it last night and I realised that maybe it was fine. Decided to take it in my stride, be normal at work, get over myself and my big ego and the assumptions I had unconsciously developed of getting the job because the function covers what I'm doing now and they seem to like what I do.
Another position with the same organisation has come up, as a fundraiser, and I might actually want that job more..? I decided to shift my workload from doing just one day of fundraising to now two a week, whilst retaining my engagement as a facilitator, which was what I was taken onboard to do. After arranging this, at the end of the day, the director asked me aside and offered me a %-paid position.. I'll still be volunteering (I have another month to go) and will increase my hours from 4 to 5 days. The major change is that they will now pay me for 2 days work a week as an interim thing until I either get the fundraising position or my volunteer term comes to an end, at which point I'm sure we'd have a chat about what next. It's really pleasing that they like what I'm doing so much, 'cause really, they didn't actually have to pay for me to stay as I've committed to another month anyway.
This will sound horrible (it does to me!) but before I can actually commit to this new paid position I have to look into what it will mean to the benefits I am currently receiving. If it means I loose more than I will be earning.. well, I'll have to look into how to deal with that. THIS is the trouble of benefits. Hopefully sanity will prevail and it'll be best if I take the job.
Phew, that felt good to write out!
I've been volunteering with a charity over the last 2 months, and as a paid position to do exactly what I do as an un-paid volunteer came up, I applied. I got shortlisted, and had an interview, and came second. I didn't get the job, and if I had been writing this yesterday, when I was told I didn't get it, I would undoubtedly have included a much greater amount of disappointment and surly comments. However, even though I was disappointed, I thought a lot about it last night and I realised that maybe it was fine. Decided to take it in my stride, be normal at work, get over myself and my big ego and the assumptions I had unconsciously developed of getting the job because the function covers what I'm doing now and they seem to like what I do.
Another position with the same organisation has come up, as a fundraiser, and I might actually want that job more..? I decided to shift my workload from doing just one day of fundraising to now two a week, whilst retaining my engagement as a facilitator, which was what I was taken onboard to do. After arranging this, at the end of the day, the director asked me aside and offered me a %-paid position.. I'll still be volunteering (I have another month to go) and will increase my hours from 4 to 5 days. The major change is that they will now pay me for 2 days work a week as an interim thing until I either get the fundraising position or my volunteer term comes to an end, at which point I'm sure we'd have a chat about what next. It's really pleasing that they like what I'm doing so much, 'cause really, they didn't actually have to pay for me to stay as I've committed to another month anyway.
This will sound horrible (it does to me!) but before I can actually commit to this new paid position I have to look into what it will mean to the benefits I am currently receiving. If it means I loose more than I will be earning.. well, I'll have to look into how to deal with that. THIS is the trouble of benefits. Hopefully sanity will prevail and it'll be best if I take the job.
Phew, that felt good to write out!
Monday, May 11, 2009
trial and error
"To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all."
- Peter McWilliams
Although a rudimentary google search reveals that the quote above is by what seems to be a relatively 'low-end' self-help guru this may be one of the biggest truths that I ought to listen to these days. For the sake of the argument, let's just disregard this quote in relation to my weakening resolve to my current weight-adjustment actions and think about it in a bigger perspective.
As my vertically challenged friend pointed out to me - does this mean that one should not avoid situations where knows that mistakes will be made? Cue the 'might' in the quote. It indicates an uncertainty about the future. It indicates avoiding risk taking, avoiding trying things out, avoidance of living life. It's so banal when I write it like that, but, at least to me, it holds a pretty deep truth. I do avoid things that are scary to me, situations where I feel that I cannot predict what will happen. And this despite the fact that I obviously can absolutely never predict what will happen. We live in a world where most of the things that happen are beyond our control. We naturally have a fairly great impact on our existence, but we are all at the mercy of each other, and the place we hold is subject to the actions of others and the effects these actions have on ourselves and our reactions to these actions. The free flow into which we plunge ourselves every day drifts along, and we can labor to make a mark or we can flow, following the patterned path laid out for us.
Making a mark requires risk taking, this much I have learned.
- Peter McWilliams
Although a rudimentary google search reveals that the quote above is by what seems to be a relatively 'low-end' self-help guru this may be one of the biggest truths that I ought to listen to these days. For the sake of the argument, let's just disregard this quote in relation to my weakening resolve to my current weight-adjustment actions and think about it in a bigger perspective.
As my vertically challenged friend pointed out to me - does this mean that one should not avoid situations where knows that mistakes will be made? Cue the 'might' in the quote. It indicates an uncertainty about the future. It indicates avoiding risk taking, avoiding trying things out, avoidance of living life. It's so banal when I write it like that, but, at least to me, it holds a pretty deep truth. I do avoid things that are scary to me, situations where I feel that I cannot predict what will happen. And this despite the fact that I obviously can absolutely never predict what will happen. We live in a world where most of the things that happen are beyond our control. We naturally have a fairly great impact on our existence, but we are all at the mercy of each other, and the place we hold is subject to the actions of others and the effects these actions have on ourselves and our reactions to these actions. The free flow into which we plunge ourselves every day drifts along, and we can labor to make a mark or we can flow, following the patterned path laid out for us.
Making a mark requires risk taking, this much I have learned.
Friday, May 08, 2009
How's that for a thought?
"Worry is the darkroom in which negatives are developed."
Enough of that already. On to brighter things. Opportunities are developing, and although they are exciting and fascinating, I still worry whether they are achievable, whether I dare pursue them, if it's for me..
Just went for a run this morning - feels good to get my act together. Just 4k, but that's ok. I'll go for a longer one (or two) over the weekend. Should stop being annoyed at my self for not going out running.
Enough of that already. On to brighter things. Opportunities are developing, and although they are exciting and fascinating, I still worry whether they are achievable, whether I dare pursue them, if it's for me..
Just went for a run this morning - feels good to get my act together. Just 4k, but that's ok. I'll go for a longer one (or two) over the weekend. Should stop being annoyed at my self for not going out running.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Musings
When things start coming together and it seems the clouds are parting
Why do I fear that the breeze that carries me along gently now
Will turn into a storm, weighing me down, again, so heavily?
___
A drink on a hilltop, and everything's changed in an afternoon. We laughed for hours, before turning serious. Slightly intoxicated by the wine, and even more so by a tickling sensation of someone who understands. Open minds are allowed, and seem to feed on the skyline on the horizon, and a girl on a tightrope laughs as she aims for the tree at the end of the line.
Why do I fear that the breeze that carries me along gently now
Will turn into a storm, weighing me down, again, so heavily?
___
A drink on a hilltop, and everything's changed in an afternoon. We laughed for hours, before turning serious. Slightly intoxicated by the wine, and even more so by a tickling sensation of someone who understands. Open minds are allowed, and seem to feed on the skyline on the horizon, and a girl on a tightrope laughs as she aims for the tree at the end of the line.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The power of positive thinking
So, I went to this taster course for becoming a life coach, during the weekend. It was really very interesting, and it's funny how having someone to be accountable to can make us do things we wouldn't usually feel compelled to. I'll for sure be trying to apply some of the thought patterns to myself.
Positive thinking, for one, is extremely useful. Who doesn't beat themselves up for making a mistake or 'the wrong choice'..? I certainly do, even though I know it's neither helpful nor healthy to do so.
A bit of objectivity might be useful too, instead of becoming entirely engrossed in some obscure detail that seems so important to me right now. Taking that step back and reflecting on the issue.
Actually creating an 'action plan' for those things that all to often lurk at the back of my mind is also one that I'm going to try on for size. I've done that before, but with my new awareness of the importance of breaking it down into small, accessible and doable bits might actually mean that I'll follow through!
So yep, it's yet another addition to the list of 'things that'll save me'. I'm liking it.
Positive thinking, for one, is extremely useful. Who doesn't beat themselves up for making a mistake or 'the wrong choice'..? I certainly do, even though I know it's neither helpful nor healthy to do so.
A bit of objectivity might be useful too, instead of becoming entirely engrossed in some obscure detail that seems so important to me right now. Taking that step back and reflecting on the issue.
Actually creating an 'action plan' for those things that all to often lurk at the back of my mind is also one that I'm going to try on for size. I've done that before, but with my new awareness of the importance of breaking it down into small, accessible and doable bits might actually mean that I'll follow through!
So yep, it's yet another addition to the list of 'things that'll save me'. I'm liking it.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Running
Lately I haven't been running a lot, and I have gone through phases of enjoying it, missing it and really being annoyed that I couldn't just go run!
My back has been causing me issues, and my running buddy, the sportstherapist, says it's probably due to me stopping with the diversity of movemenets my body was used to through basketball, and replacing it with an exercise that is basically just body straight up and legs moving. I've been doing core stability exercises for the back (boring but I can already feel an improvement), being treated with massage and stretches and basically been lazy.
But I'm starting up again - and it feels great! Just went 12 km today in lovely mild sunshine, through streets dotted with pink petals dropping from the flowering trees, Clissold Park and Finsbury Park, where a summer fair was getting all the kids excited. Nice! I wasn't even sure I'd go all the way to Finsbury Park (basically indicating that I'd just go 4-6km in my local park), but the nice weather and feeling that my legs were good and my back not ailing me encouraged me to go a bit farther!
I've lowered my ambitions for this month as I haven't been able to get out there the first half of the month. I've got 10 days to do 45 kilometres, that should be possible with a little bit of willpower..
All smiles here - and sending my love to y'all.
My back has been causing me issues, and my running buddy, the sportstherapist, says it's probably due to me stopping with the diversity of movemenets my body was used to through basketball, and replacing it with an exercise that is basically just body straight up and legs moving. I've been doing core stability exercises for the back (boring but I can already feel an improvement), being treated with massage and stretches and basically been lazy.
But I'm starting up again - and it feels great! Just went 12 km today in lovely mild sunshine, through streets dotted with pink petals dropping from the flowering trees, Clissold Park and Finsbury Park, where a summer fair was getting all the kids excited. Nice! I wasn't even sure I'd go all the way to Finsbury Park (basically indicating that I'd just go 4-6km in my local park), but the nice weather and feeling that my legs were good and my back not ailing me encouraged me to go a bit farther!
I've lowered my ambitions for this month as I haven't been able to get out there the first half of the month. I've got 10 days to do 45 kilometres, that should be possible with a little bit of willpower..
All smiles here - and sending my love to y'all.
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