2010?

★ LIBRA 23 September-23 October What a bundle of contradictions is a Libran: pushy but eager to please; shrewd but oddly indecisive. This is the sign of the well-dressed charmer with a hidden agenda – not you, obviously, but those other, dark side Librans. You just do charm.

In 2010, what counts is not your easy smile but your inner steel. With Saturn dominating your horoscope for most of the year, it's a time for tough, long-term decisions, for ambition tempered by pragmatism.

Even among non-astrologers, Saturn has a weighty reputation; it's the planet of age, maturity, responsibility and hard work. In a related guise Saturn is about exactitude and turning a bright idea into reality; it represents the patience and persistence that allows masterworks to be written and cathedrals to be raised. Such projects invariably demand rather more effort than we anticipate, but once completed, become defining achievements.

Plan the new year with that perspective in mind. Indeed, since Saturn is resident in your skies right through to, gulp, October 2012, it's a perfect time for a major undertaking; restoring your mansion, founding a company, becoming prime minister (take note David Cameron, born 9/10/66) or casting the Ring of Power into the fires of Mount Doom. Prioritise ruthlessly and stick to your chosen quest.

Until April, it's birthdays between 23 to 28 September (and 1980 Librans) who feel Saturn's touch. From September onwards, the rest of the Libran tribe are in the frame, especially 1981 birthdays who complete one cycle of Saturn's 30-year orbit (the well-noted "Saturn Return").

Relationships that require commitment or closure also come under Saturn's remit. Here, August looks pivotal. The duo of Mars and Venus (your ruler) in your skies lend a forceful, magnetic touch for either finding or consummating a romance. July and August are – not just for Librans – a potentially incendiary phase; keep your cool with friends, family and partners. Show grace under pressure.

February promises enchantment in your personal life, whether you're collecting Valentines or rekindling old flames. The unusual movements of Mars (your partnership planet, whether in love or business) make the first five months of 2010 ideal for networking, mixing business and pleasure, or changing your favoured in-crowd. October and November, with Venus in retreat, is a time for adjusting finances and having second thoughts about decisions made in the summer.

Other people are invariably vital to Libra's mission, but part of Saturn's message is that when push comes to shove, no one helps you but yourself. Take a sidekick shopping to help choose the right colour ("I should have got the blue") but the big decisions should be taken alone.

Year's end

Back in London the frost is biting the little skin I allow to be exposed to the air. It's clear. Cold. Sunrise is the most amazing time of day: at around 8am the skies finally relent to the meek sun and pink hues colour the distance while a blood red sun slowly lifts its head. My 9th floor flat does have some benefits that go a (little) way to make up for the current lack of heating.

I'm going home for the holidays on Monday.

This year is ending with what feels like a sense of conclusion. I can sense a lot of reflection being pushed ahead - "I'll think when I've got time", seems to be the way. Knowing myself this will happen in the little thatched house in the bosom of my family between Christmas and New Year's with cold walks in a foggy, barren forest, talking to myself, the horses by the forest ranger's house, the dunes, the gnarly trees in the "troll forest", the sea. And so I keep on going on. Year's end always has this effect on me, but where I last year was confused and worried, I am now ready to take a look back at a year of changes and achievements, pleasures and confusion, worry and hope. You'll all be in those thoughts. My friends drive me forward, reflecting with me on our thoughts, giving me perspectives to consider, hoping with me, and worrying with me.

So, to all - happy holidays. I shall be thinking of you over the next weeks, with a smile on my lips.

M

Off I go!

Me, tomorrow, India, wedding! Very exciting!

Take care y'all, I'm off to get me a bindi, a sari, and a couple of proper curry meals.

Will be back mid Dec.

M

Doodling

I'm doodling about with a project. I should be packing, I'm going home tomorrow. Home, as in, the home I don't live in. But I'm excited - it's about cities, it's what I want to do.. It's Elemental.

More to follow.

Autumn dreams

Great big mounds of sand, light and fine. We're underground. I clamber to the cusp of the dunes and see the finest grains start trickling down the other side. My link to history is there. She looks at me from below, near her vehicle. The trickle of sand start to increase in volume, soon the whole surface is moving, sliding slowly, slowly down towards her. I stand there, calling to her, as the sand starts to settle around her and the vehicle - I can't see her any more! The vehicle is engulfed, a deepening of the sand where it is. What's happening - is she ok?

I'm in an underground space, ceiling above me grey and darkening. Lockers like those in a high school, but no, not exactly like that, stand in a corner of the vast space. She is here with me. I open a creaky door by unhooking a basic lock device. Fine sand lays in small dunes along the edges of the space, covering the edges of a big portfolio. I reach in and lift it out, balancing the handwritten notes inside carefully to the table. As I start to leaf through it I hear sounds, it's war out there beyond the walls. I hear something - he's coming, and I am both excited and ashamed to be going through these memories. Suddenly she and I look at each other and I hastily try to replace the portfolio in the locker, shutting the door loudly, engaging the locking device - it's not working now - oh no! He's in the room, large and frail. It's ok. He looks at me with the deepest clarity in his eyes, and I see him for the man he once was. I disengage the lock on the locker again and replace the portfolio on the table.

Marathon

A while back I committed to running the Barcelona Marathon on 7th March 2010. It sort of happened by itself.

My running buddy D, who was a friend of a friend and who decided that we should run together despite me hesitating, is from Girona. When we started running together nearly a year ago now, he lived 15 minutes away and we were both unemployed, and so it was easy to do. He was training for the 2009 version of the marathon and went on to successfully run it, in March last year. He kept challenging me to join him, or to consider another marathon, saying stuff like - you need to run a marathon, you're competitive, you ARE competitive.. as I would stress the fact that I took up running as a means to liberating myself from competition with (team)mates and to create a space where I could just be, just run.

I still see my running as a free space, but I am beginning to lump it into the "things I need to do" category, merely because it wouldn't otherwise happen, between travelling and working and doing various other projects.

I ran a couple of races this summer, enjoying myself along the way, and in particular my half marathon is something I'm very proud of. I ran those races for the sheer fun of it, to prove to myself that I, just me - ME!, could do it. And I did. I ran them all alone and achieved the results I wanted: satisfactory timings and a sense of pride and contentedness.

When D moved back to Girona this summer, I knew I was going to miss our running together, but also what had turned into a warm friendship. Him being a sports therapist, he would treat me for my sciatica, and I'd help him work on the website for his business. He'd make dinner, and we'd go for drinks, talking running and all the other stuff that happens in life. He became a good friend. So when he went back, the possibility of seeing him again in March to run together made so much sense that I said I'd do it. So now I am. And I've even been telling other people (even people at work, you fool!) that I'm going to go and I'm going to run it. It scares me to no end.

My main worries are these:

I won't take the time to train properly
I might have troubles with my sciatica (I need to have some treatment..)
I have no clue of proper marathon nutrition/hydration
My commitment isn't strong enough and I will waver

I'm excited too. This is what gets me going:

I'm going to bloody run a marathon!
I get to visit D in his home town
I get to run a marathon, my first, with D
If I can complete my training satisfactorily I'm sure I'll do great
The training will keep me fit and healthy

I haven't begun training properly, and as a matter of fact, I haven't been running as much as I usually would. I've just started a new job and a lot's going on in my life right now. So, this week I realised that there is not much more than 3 months to go, and I need to get me a running programme that I can then proceed to adjust, but at least I'll have one. I know for a fact that with my long hours at work it is difficult but possible to squeeze in runs, by taking TOIL in the morning, which I've been doing recently, and by going for a run before breakfast when away for conferences.

I've done the maths, and I've got 15 weeks from now to then. That's 3 months and 2 weeks. In the next month I'm going to India for 12 days (what am I going to do?! Can I run in 33 degrees?), and I'm going home for Christmas (the food will pose a challenge, but I did great with running last year so that might be ok). 15 weeks is about 3 weeks shorter than most marathon programmes will cover. I'm hoping that the fact that I've been running for well over a year (started properly in July of last year) will be a benefit.

This is going to be a (yet another) challenge over the next months.

I think I've delved enough into this for now, but will just share a sentence from a book I might need to buy:

"Marathoners battle the fiercest of foes: their own psyches".

status quo

We had wine and we had good times. It's remarkable how family members are so familiar, comfortable, easy, and at the same time so remote and self contained.

Most of the time I feel that I understand exactly what's going on, but then she heads off on some tangent (much like I have a tendency to do) and I sit, shaking my head and thinking, shit, I don't get this - what's she on about?!

But life moves.

It's an unsettling feeling to see someone you love in a place that you know she doesn't need to be in, somewhere that doesn't do her good. It makes her money, good money, it keeps her from thinking about all the things that would pop up if she were to stop op and give her life a thorough once-over. But it's hard work, life happens, and she justifies it happening to her by saying that she is making a choice to earn the good money (and she is) and ignoring the fact that she's, well, ignoring.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have this ability to see other people struggling. That I could also ignore and just get on with it.

A whirlwind brings me home, too fast, I wish I could stay on my bike, feeling the cold air, and hearing people look at me. The cherry trees are blooming, it's very confusing, here in late November. Buses and taxis flow by in a steady continuum, young girls show their belonging to different social arenas. Some flash all they've got in shiny sequined, skin tight, mini-what evers, others cover up in woollens from the 70s and wear the trilby, sign extraordinaire of a middle-class twat.

And I go home.

When serious things come a bit too close

This evening I was returning from a design training in Bristol. We worked with several groups of young people, one of which was a group of 5 boys from a challenged school. They were pretty disruptive to each other and the rest of the groups, but their responsible adult kept stressing that they were very well-behaved for kids from their school. Apparently Bristol's a pretty harsh place in certain areas.

Settling into my seat on the train back to London my eye caught a headline about ..youths.. shooting.. London.. I thought to myself, oh, another one. Then I looked a bit closer and saw Stoke Newington in there. I flipped to page 11 and there was the name of my road in the text, a description of the boys that always hang out around my tower block, and a mention of the community centre that's nearly always closed and looks so sad with it's windows barred for protection.

3 young people have, while I was away, been shot just moments and meters away from my front door. My flatmate was home, and just like everyone else, he assumed the bangs were just the ubiquitous fireworks, and the group of kids just the kids that always hang out a the foot of our building. He didn't realise that 3 14-15 year old kids had been shot by a rival gang.

It's a bit scary, really. I've noticed lately that something's going on with the kids. There's been more of them, more often. And there has been more police presence on the estate, too, in the form of officers slowly patrolling the area, but certainly also in police vans chasing kids on scooters (only to get caught up by the lovely 60s urban design of the estate). This didn't happen when I first moved here a year and a half ago. I stopped a couple of officers on patrol just the other day to ask why there seemed to be more police, and they told me that they were just establishing a presence in the area in response to the young people here, nothing to worry about, ma'am.

Yeah, right.

What kind of places are we living in, where children have access to guns and shoot each other? And why the heck am I living in the middle of it all? And why is nothing being done to the physical, emotional, social and financial deprivation of my estate and of others around the country? Estates that encourage and enable behaviour that is not for the best of the community. Estates that do not inspire people to dream that their lives could be different of the lives of their parents, estates that are not legible, not accessible, not fit for purpose. Estates that have been built in one fell swoop, or estates that have developed piecemeal to a hodgepodge of disconnected spaces, linked by a series of non-places. No, I don't mean the Marc Augé ones; I'm on about the appallingly unpersonal and unwelcoming concrete leftover spaces that incompetent planners and designers failed to address in an appropriate manner. I'm talking about seedy concreted spaces that are fenced in and used for littering, broken curbs, a horrid back alley used for parking and dumping of all sorts of garbage and large household furnisings, narrow and poorly lit alleys and walkways, derelict green spaces, etc etc. Just outside my front door, and so many other people's.

As ever, my dear two readers, I hope you're doing well. Today I'll add in another hope - that you are and will remain far removed from gun-toting, balaclava-wearing kids on bikes.

From 0 to 100

I'm hoping that that tickling at the back of my throat isn't what it feels like.. I really don't have time to get sick these days. The next two weeks are action packed like none have been recently (and the last two have been mad enough).

Next week I'm going away for a network meeting all of Tuesday, to hear what they're on about, tell them about my charity, and hopefully to scope some professionals that we can rope in for our project support and training. Then Wednesday I'm off to Exeter for a project support scoping visit with a potential group, Thursday's a conference that I'm doing some workshops at, and Friday's another scoping visit, this time with a group that wants to do an off-grid learning centre out in nature somewhere in Dorset.

Then Saturday is the Nike+ Human Race (10K with Sara in Victoria Park), and Sunday I head up to Bristol for the young people's design training that is Monday through Tuesday. Thursday I go on holiday for a few days. Phew. The TOIL I'm accruing will be massive...

Someone, tell me that it's all going to go to plan. I've got SO much to do before then that it's unbelievable. I obviously need to prepare bits and bobs for each of these events. Shoot, I need to sleep too!

BUT. It's exciting, extremely relevant, and I want to do it all.

I need to get me some oranges, drink me some tea and keep wrapping up in wool.

London learning, over and out.

Ode to Saga

The seasons are changing. I keep repeating that to everyone, but foremost myself. It's clear; the air nips at my chin if I don't keep it tucked into my scarf, and full days of rain remind me that my outerwear is not water proof. Clear skies shift and are replaced with a lucid cover of greys. Soft and mellow anticipation of blustering winds comes and goes with the arrival of gust lifting surprisingly long strands of hair into the air, like antennae.

Shifting into a space that is open and inviting, however challenging, maybe inviting because it is challenging, challenging because it is open. Engaging seems just ahead.

___


Sometimes you meet people and they make an impression. Sometimes you meet people and they hardly register as a blip on your radar. Sometimes the briefest of encounters stay with you forever, and occasionally a seemingly meaningless meeting turns into something of longevity.

Out of two potential relations, what then makes one relationship last, and another falter? How can maintaining a relationship with someone on the other side of the world come so much more naturally than staying in touch with someone just up the street?

___


It's all about movement, now. And daring. Moving, and daring.

August

Can't believe that today is August 6th. This year is just cruisin' by, days falling from the calendar like nothing. So much has been going on that I have had little time, let alone mental capacity, for anything 'extra-curricular' such as blogging..

I started getting paid 15 June for 2 days work in the charity I've been volunteering in, but have been unsuccessful in securing a permanent job with them - twice.. It's weird, cause they express that they really like me, but in the end I don't get the jobs. They have been talking about how the jobs were perhaps not thte right thing for me (not challenging enough over time). I can't help but feel that perhaps that should be up to me, but on the other hand, their choices have led me to the position I'm in now, where I just last Wednesday started my new temporary 3 day weekly consultancy position in a charity that works to support and train community groups to engage in their local area. I'm covering both (temporary) positions at the same time over the next month(s?), and am learning to manage to engage my mind where I am and to manage my time well.

I started a healthy living programme early April, and have through that gained a hold on my eating, more or less. I've got aims for my nutritional values, and have lost about 5kg and 8cm off my hips. It takes energy to track all the food I eat, but it's proving really useful to me and I'm learning loads about nutrition along the way. It's funny, 'cause my mom has always had a strong focus on it, especially for us kids, but understanding portion sizes and what's right for ME, now that's another story. Now I aim to snack throughout my working day and to eat sturdy meals that will provide me with slow releasing energy that'll last me till my next meal. I feel like I'm eating all the time (and I am!) but I'm getting so many less calories onboard, and they're of the right kind for me right now. For my snacks I eat fruit, nuts, drink a little smoothie, a couple of healthy biscuits, roasted soy nuts etc.

I went to Denmark for a little week for a bit of a holiday and a wonderful hen night for a close friend.

My 'favourite aunt' who used to visit us when I was a child came for a 4-day visit in London with her two gorgeous kids.

4 friends visited me in London for 4 days.

My friend got married July 12th in a beautiful Jewish ceremony, in a handsome old Hall in the countryside. (All the many preparations paid off, I got the bridal bouquet in the end, haha! Who knows where this will lead!?)

I ran my first half-marathon on July 19th in the time 1:48:29.

Phew..

Now for the next slew of activity.. I'm going to Denmark for another hen night for a friend this weekend, and then again a couple of weeks later for the actual wedding. After that it seems that things will become more stable. Unless I keep it all in overly dynamic motion, that is.

All along, I'm still trying to navigate a fragile mind... However great advances I feel I'm making, I just keep encountering more and more sore spots in there, tender to the touch.. brittle. I tend to leave them alone, to the degree that I don't acknowledge them in my conscious mind, yet they continue to pop up now and again only to be battered aside. I think it's time to start holding them out in front of myself. Examine them. Deal.

Regent's Park 10km race

Yay! Just ran my first properly timed 10k race this Saturday and I'm well pleased with the results! After having a fairly bumpy ride this year with injuries and a bit of illness topped off with 3 weeks of no running at all due to sciatica I managed to pull a sub 50 min result out of the hat! :D

I'm going to hit that 45 min mark this year!

Race report: Regent's Park 10k Summer Series

I made sure I got an early night the night before, and that I had plenty of carbs and all the good, healthy stuff the night before (including a bit of ice cream to make sure I was comfortable, hehe). It was drizzling outside as I had my bran flakes / banana breakfast, and I wasn't sure my chosen outfit of a t-shirt was really a good idea.. I decided to go with it and left the house, only to get fairly wet by the rain on my way to the bus stop.. was this going to work out?!

I arrived at Regent's Park at 8.45, 15 mins to go till the start - hurry up! Power walked to the Hub, got changed, left my bag, power walked to the start.. It's still drizzling heavily.. Off goes the start! Oh no, my ipod's not on, fumbling with it.. man! I'm running too fast.. Get caught up by the moment - all these people running faster than me! After 1.5k I settle into a stable pace, although still faster than normal.. This is going fine, the drizzle's ok too. There's a woman running around my pace, I'll stick to her.. First lap of three in 16.30, this is fine.. Lap two was nice and easy, still a bit wet, but nothing much to worry about, I keep my pace. There's people taking photos - this is fun! I like racing! The last lap is here - I feel my legs getting a bit tired, but halfway through I can see the end - and decide to up my pace a bit to see how many people I can pass. I pass a guy with a t-shirt saying "Only a fool believes there's no God - don't be silly" thinking well, agnostics apparently run faster, I'll take the sillyness any day... The last two corners - I'm running faster - I'm going to catch this guy - no, he sees me, looks and takes off - he's gone like an antilope that's being chased. The last stretch - I push myself, gotta beat that girl, check - beat that one, check! Finish! Ahh.... this was fun!

Walk to the Hub again, grab a banana and some water and think to myself that I really need to race more.

Just went over the final results, and saw that I came better than 25 out of 228 on the women's side and better than 140 out of the 443 total - wow! That rocks!

A job?

Sort of.

I've been volunteering with a charity over the last 2 months, and as a paid position to do exactly what I do as an un-paid volunteer came up, I applied. I got shortlisted, and had an interview, and came second. I didn't get the job, and if I had been writing this yesterday, when I was told I didn't get it, I would undoubtedly have included a much greater amount of disappointment and surly comments. However, even though I was disappointed, I thought a lot about it last night and I realised that maybe it was fine. Decided to take it in my stride, be normal at work, get over myself and my big ego and the assumptions I had unconsciously developed of getting the job because the function covers what I'm doing now and they seem to like what I do.

Another position with the same organisation has come up, as a fundraiser, and I might actually want that job more..? I decided to shift my workload from doing just one day of fundraising to now two a week, whilst retaining my engagement as a facilitator, which was what I was taken onboard to do. After arranging this, at the end of the day, the director asked me aside and offered me a %-paid position.. I'll still be volunteering (I have another month to go) and will increase my hours from 4 to 5 days. The major change is that they will now pay me for 2 days work a week as an interim thing until I either get the fundraising position or my volunteer term comes to an end, at which point I'm sure we'd have a chat about what next. It's really pleasing that they like what I'm doing so much, 'cause really, they didn't actually have to pay for me to stay as I've committed to another month anyway.

This will sound horrible (it does to me!) but before I can actually commit to this new paid position I have to look into what it will mean to the benefits I am currently receiving. If it means I loose more than I will be earning.. well, I'll have to look into how to deal with that. THIS is the trouble of benefits. Hopefully sanity will prevail and it'll be best if I take the job.

Phew, that felt good to write out!

trial and error

"To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all."
- Peter McWilliams

Although a rudimentary google search reveals that the quote above is by what seems to be a relatively 'low-end' self-help guru this may be one of the biggest truths that I ought to listen to these days. For the sake of the argument, let's just disregard this quote in relation to my weakening resolve to my current weight-adjustment actions and think about it in a bigger perspective.

As my vertically challenged friend pointed out to me - does this mean that one should not avoid situations where knows that mistakes will be made? Cue the 'might' in the quote. It indicates an uncertainty about the future. It indicates avoiding risk taking, avoiding trying things out, avoidance of living life. It's so banal when I write it like that, but, at least to me, it holds a pretty deep truth. I do avoid things that are scary to me, situations where I feel that I cannot predict what will happen. And this despite the fact that I obviously can absolutely never predict what will happen. We live in a world where most of the things that happen are beyond our control. We naturally have a fairly great impact on our existence, but we are all at the mercy of each other, and the place we hold is subject to the actions of others and the effects these actions have on ourselves and our reactions to these actions. The free flow into which we plunge ourselves every day drifts along, and we can labor to make a mark or we can flow, following the patterned path laid out for us.

Making a mark requires risk taking, this much I have learned.

How's that for a thought?

"Worry is the darkroom in which negatives are developed."

Enough of that already. On to brighter things. Opportunities are developing, and although they are exciting and fascinating, I still worry whether they are achievable, whether I dare pursue them, if it's for me..

Just went for a run this morning - feels good to get my act together. Just 4k, but that's ok. I'll go for a longer one (or two) over the weekend. Should stop being annoyed at my self for not going out running.

Musings

When things start coming together and it seems the clouds are parting

Why do I fear that the breeze that carries me along gently now

Will turn into a storm, weighing me down, again, so heavily?

___


A drink on a hilltop, and everything's changed in an afternoon. We laughed for hours, before turning serious. Slightly intoxicated by the wine, and even more so by a tickling sensation of someone who understands. Open minds are allowed, and seem to feed on the skyline on the horizon, and a girl on a tightrope laughs as she aims for the tree at the end of the line.

The power of positive thinking

So, I went to this taster course for becoming a life coach, during the weekend. It was really very interesting, and it's funny how having someone to be accountable to can make us do things we wouldn't usually feel compelled to. I'll for sure be trying to apply some of the thought patterns to myself.

Positive thinking, for one, is extremely useful. Who doesn't beat themselves up for making a mistake or 'the wrong choice'..? I certainly do, even though I know it's neither helpful nor healthy to do so.

A bit of objectivity might be useful too, instead of becoming entirely engrossed in some obscure detail that seems so important to me right now. Taking that step back and reflecting on the issue.

Actually creating an 'action plan' for those things that all to often lurk at the back of my mind is also one that I'm going to try on for size. I've done that before, but with my new awareness of the importance of breaking it down into small, accessible and doable bits might actually mean that I'll follow through!

So yep, it's yet another addition to the list of 'things that'll save me'. I'm liking it.

Running

Lately I haven't been running a lot, and I have gone through phases of enjoying it, missing it and really being annoyed that I couldn't just go run!

My back has been causing me issues, and my running buddy, the sportstherapist, says it's probably due to me stopping with the diversity of movemenets my body was used to through basketball, and replacing it with an exercise that is basically just body straight up and legs moving. I've been doing core stability exercises for the back (boring but I can already feel an improvement), being treated with massage and stretches and basically been lazy.

But I'm starting up again - and it feels great! Just went 12 km today in lovely mild sunshine, through streets dotted with pink petals dropping from the flowering trees, Clissold Park and Finsbury Park, where a summer fair was getting all the kids excited. Nice! I wasn't even sure I'd go all the way to Finsbury Park (basically indicating that I'd just go 4-6km in my local park), but the nice weather and feeling that my legs were good and my back not ailing me encouraged me to go a bit farther!

I've lowered my ambitions for this month as I haven't been able to get out there the first half of the month. I've got 10 days to do 45 kilometres, that should be possible with a little bit of willpower..

All smiles here - and sending my love to y'all.

the infamous: work/life

And so it arrives, the time I've been asking for, dreading, expecting. Where I am no longer free to avail myself of all my time (apart from the fact that we of course all every day, every moment, choose what we do with our time) as I tomorrow will be back doing my internship. My massive influx of visitors is over (4 visits in 5 weekends) and it's back to being just me. I have this sense of fear of and soothing comfort from the well-known - fear that I'll settle into this easy thing of knowing what I'm going to do all the time - comfort in exactly the same.

I'm an animal of habit that loathes habit. It makes life easier, but I always tend to feel that I loose something in it. Spontaneity, passion, living every day instead of just passing through it. Maybe it's a case of ensuring that you care about what you do (but isn't that difficult with boring database work?), so that you retain a freshness and newness? Maybe I need to accept that if I ever want to get anywhere's near the freedom to roam life day by day I'll have to learn how to manage myself and my time, and I'll probably have to learn that in a way I don't find extremely inspiring. Hence the day-to-day menial tasks.

So if I'm an animal of habit that loathes habit does that then mean that I loathe myself? I think it means I need to construe some sort of life that'll allow me to have a norm that I generally follow, but also the opportunity to shake it up and go on adventures in my everyday life and work.

How do you guys deal with this? Does it ever get boring? Any thoughts are welcome!

Chronic?

Just as the clouds were parting, I went and stirred up a bit of humidity, forcing the cover back.

Why can't I just have fun and not be so goddamn serious all the time?

Back to work

Here, in between an abundance of visits, I have managed to secure an internship that started today!

It's with an educational charity and people seem really down to earth and casual. It seems that I can influence what I will be doing. I expressed interest in sustainability and in developing educational material and 10 minutes later I was invited to take part in a meeting on Thursday developing educational material on climate change! Cool!

I think there'll be a fair deal of admin regarding the online website, but that's ok, I don't have much experience with online stuff like that. Yeah, so, I'm feeling good about this, although somehow I was hoping for a charity that was more closely related to my core aims. It'll do for now.

Link - family stories

An amusing link that somehow reminds me of when my mom with a laugh says 'let's hav sum kwa-fee!' in a thick new-yorkan accent, reminiscing the time she lived there with her parents. In a modest light blue house, in West Islip on Long Island, with apple and plum trees in the well-kept garden laden with heavy vegetables resulting from the labour of my grandfather, and thick beige carpets and dark wood furniture, lace curtains and a little collection of jewellery and other trinkets my grandmother had found on the way to work in the cafeteria at a local school.

The stairs led up and doubled back on themselves, turning the corner to the children's section; two smallish rooms filled with the wonder of memories of my mother and her sisters' lives as children, in a dusty, heavy air somehow permeating the house even though my grandmother went to great extents to keep the house airy and clean. That was before she fell ill, of course, before her diabetes and other ailings made her bed-ridden, before they sold the house and moved away from her beloved ocean. Before she passed away.

In her childhood space, the story of how my mother as a child collected baseball cards with gold markings emblazoning Joe DiMaggio and all the other heroes of that time spilled from her lips in an impassioned whisper, the story of a treasure collected and expanded over years and years and stored in a shoe box in the depth of her room. Once, when my mother returned as a grown woman, the shoe box was no longer there and it had been given to the son of family friend.

My grandfather would take me shopping, we got into the car and turned down the quiet suburban street and the local mall of shops would appear, one-storey buildings along a way too wide road. Or we would go to the large supermarkets to buy dinner, to buy the few things that my grandmother would eat, after her operation. No cheese, not even on a pizza. And still, she'd pick at what was on her plate, seemingly not interested but knowing that she should, she really should.

White and blacks and primary colours were restricted in the paintings my grandfather produced, an extreme geometric tightness of circles and squares in harmonious compositions. Grandma painted in naturalistic style, soft, warm, intense colours, and often with the seagulls that for her personified freedom and liberty. She painted my mother on several occasions, and on one occasion she let me bring home with me a painting of a woman in a green dress, seated in a warm orange and red tableau with a cup on a table. My mom wasn't sure, but it is a picture of her. Grandma has included some of my mom's facial features, and to me there can be no doubt. Grandpa wrapped it in bubble foam, one, two, three layers, wrapped it in brown paper card and secured it with a coarse string, holding the painting in its wrapping and providing a well-thought handle for the long transportation across the ocean to its new home.

They would sometimes go to the sea promenade, with grandma painting and both selling their paintings, or so my mom has told me. I can just imagine them in the crisp sunshine, carefully crafted paintings in hand, near the sea, seagulls soaring over their heads as they gently speak to people browsing their paintings. Grandpa does the negotiating while grandma, perhaps, simply continues painting.

Paid my dues..?

I've had it on my list of things to do for a long while now. Somehow, it just didn't seem like the most attractive of to-do-things, but at the same time, it's sort of one of those that you can't keep putting off.

Seeking Jobseeker's Allowance. I.e. going on the dole.

Actually the woman was ok, she was neutral and helpful when I didn't know the answers to the gargantuan number of questions. What did make me realise with some severity and actually make me feel more down than up was around 50 questions on any potential sources of income. Answering "no" again and again made me feel really, really rubbish. And now here I am, with an appointment to go talk to someone at a JobCentre for an interview about my jobseeking approach or whatever it is they need to know.. I'm feeling plain busted after an hour of that...! Amazing that I have an appointment already tomorrow - I sort of expected them to take a week or two to sort that out.

So. It has come to this.

Running update

As is painfully visible from the gadget on the right (--->), I haven't been running nearly as much as I'd like to this month. That's not to say that I haven't been far behind on my monthly amount before and still made it, but this month it's been different.

I've had troubles with my old shoes, Nike ones, and decided it was time for some new runners. I wanted to have a gait analysis to ensure I got shoes that are right for my running style and feet, so that took a while to get done too, all the while I had slowed down my running a lot. I finally did got my act together to have the analysis done by a very apt professional and then had to decide on going for the top of the range model or the 'one step down' model that he suggested to me, because they didn't stock the more expensive one. So I went to other stores, trying to find the other model in my size and never managed, and in the end I ordered it online anyway. This process took a fair few days during which I did not run much. End of it all is that I'm now running in Asics Kayano 15's, and I'm liking it.

Although, of course, I then got sick and have only been out twice in my new shoes. 2009 hasn't been a great year for running so far, what with my fainting-induced concussion in January, shoe-woes in February and a mild but prolonged bout of illness in March. I hope this isn't going to be the norm for 2009!

on loneliness

One thing that I am realising is that cyclical experiences and movements define my life. I'm sure it's the same for everyone, but let's just for a moment allow me to keep focus on me. Right.

Cyclical. Round and around, passing through the same emotions of hope and disappointment, love and loneliness. I think I'm arriving at the space that people have lately been asking if I was at. A lonely place, a faraway place, a place where days are long and I rarely utter words to people I know. A place where having no deadlines or set times for meeting with people leaves a malleable void that is just so. The walls may be tested now and again, but there are no breakthroughs. And the dominant experience is loneliness. Not just the emotional and mental loneliness that I have (oi vay!) become used to and am working on accepting, but a physical loneliness, suspended in which I crave a physical, bodily touch and contact. A hug from a friend. A squeeze of the arm, a kiss... Contact through a screen gives an intellectual and in some ways emotional connection, but not the bodily aspect. Maybe I should start playing ball again, although the others might get the wrong idea. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should leave my comfort zone once again, pursuing hopes. And maybe I'll end up disappointed once again in this same place of me, me, me.

Forgive my glumness, but it strikes me with clarity today how easily we fool ourselves into leading lives that do not, and will never, grant us what we hunger for. In my case, searching inward on a quest for knowledge and experience of myself, when what I perhaps need to do is to find that knowledge through and with someone else.

---

A good thing coming from all this is that I've recently been exploring more creative endeavours. I've finally constructed a pinhole camera from a set I was given over half a year ago and have taken a few photos, and am dabbling with all sorts of media, digital and physical. Perhaps, if some of them turn out well I can share them with you at a later point. I have a much greater degree of freedom in my art these days, sort of "oh, I don't care!", something I have always lacked. Maybe one day I'll become 'liberated' and can be able to express myself the way I'd like to.

..Speaking of Danish poets..

... here's a really sweet short animated movie about a Danish poet. It won the Oscar in 2007 for best short subjects animation.



Enjoy!

Something in the air

The Danish national poet, or at least one that you'd have a very hard time not knowing about if you lived in Denmark, Klaus Rifbjerg has published yet another book. Was reading a review today and fell over this quotation from one of the poems:

Man må ha en skid på for at
klare ensomheden
den anden marts

...which translates something like this:

You've gotta be sozzled to
handle loneliness
on March 2nd

Which is why I too have embarked on a form of escape (not the one at the bottom of a bottle) in this reverberating space, where spring all but sings in the air, warmer and warmer still, the cherries blossoming, and around me couples look deeply into each others eyes with that passionate longing you have for something you've already got.

Me? I go running, I go out with friends, drinking and dancing till morning, I write down thoughts on who I think I thought I imagined I was and am. And there's a spring to my step as well.

Sej - Yappari

Although I haven't the faintest what this is about I find it remarkably soothing. Kyoko Hosono is a Japanese classical pianist who has branched into more contemporary music with the ensemble Xinowa Sej. Here are a few more snippets of her music.

I'm finding that I take a lot greater interest in music these days. I listen to music al the time when I'm at home, and my trusty little silver ipod brings the music along with me when I'm out and about. In some ways I feel that it's about creating a world of my own, one that I can float around in to the tunes I select. Somehow, the term "soundtrack of my life" seems very appropriate. And in this case, my life is turning fairly jazzy these days, jazzy and electronic and just a wee bit.. well, I don't know what to call it, but check these out: the Fleet Foxes. I keep coming across new bands, and have no time to pursue them all. But I like it.

So here goes again.

Once more the hope of something that might be, and something that, if past history is anything to go by, won't be.

When did I turn into the pessimist in this show?

.

nothing. no-thing. again. this ain't fun no more.

V-day

Schmee-day.

I'm so happy for you all. Really, I am.

And I love you guys too, but what's the point in making me tell you on a previously specified day? And loosen up a bit too, there are ways of loving that don't include red/pink cellophane, flowers, and heart-shaped boxes with chocolates. There are, aren't there...?

If someone were to give me something in the shape of a heart I'm fairly sure I wouldn't know what to do with it, let alone how to reciprocate.

Story time

**

A couple of years ago I went to an eerie ghost town, somewhere in the winterland of Death Valley in California. It was incredibly foggy when I was there, and the thick, gray fog obscured visibility more than a couple of meters ahead. Crunchy gravel beneath my feet, ramshackle buildings with deteriorating weatherboard cladding, and a few subtle but distinct indications that people had actually lived there set the mood to pensive, heavy, loaded. The sensation of lingering remnants of activity stopped short was multiplied by the way sound failed to travel through the fog, almost as though water in the air hampered the sounds we made, and rendered us alone, singular individuals, in an eerie space of memories, abandon and erronious directions. There was once life in this place - intense, hard, gritty life - and an awareness of yesteryear hung in the damp air. As I intruded this space of the past, tiny pieces of broken glass were pushed deeper into the ground under my feet. Alone in a solitary space, I heard muffled sounds from others, here too to seek the thrill of long past desertion and deterioration. Now and again the muffled cones of headlights appeared as phantasms, just beyond my capacity to see.

**

She walked down the street, wrapped in a haze of thoughts obscuring her to the surroundings. Or at least so she hoped. In fact her eyes, downcast and fleetingly seeking a way, attracted attention. They had a deep expression, intense, begging for acknowledgment, convoluted in a dark openness that hurt her as much as the next. The pale skin of her face accommodated this sharpness. She pulled the brim of her hat down to provide as much cover as possible to her face and breathed in the cold air piercing her lungs. Her presence was at once a meek shadow seeking to repel glances to achieve anonymity, and a strong expression of hope, challenging with dignity and perhaps even self-importance others on her way.

What had happened to the hopes she held? All her dreams? Around her people hurried from one place to the next, in a never ending series of places to go and things to do, whilst she seemed to have stopped in her tracks.

She felt the movement of all around her and floated in nothingness.

**

I ♥ the internet

..where else could I find an amazingly interesting article on the creation of a mega-church, linked to a background story of the exurbs developing around major American cities?

..or the stories of 24 widely different urban areas abandoned for equally varied reasons (including flooding, an eternal subterranean fire, desertion?).

..or pictures that jog my memory?

**

"Monday, Monday, Tuesday, Tuesday, three more days till Friday... that's the way I waste my time, waiting for some time that's mine.."

Imagine if all time could be yours!

Maybe if you could enjoy all your time, you perhaps wouldn't need it to 'be yours'.

The time that's mine

So, this new band I've come across is rocking my boat. Here's a little tune, that resonates with me... what's really important. The light at the end of the tunnel, or rather, The time that's mine by The Miserable Rich:



"Monday, Monday, Tuesday, Tuesday, three more days till Friday... that's the way I waste my time, waiting for some time that's mine.."

Imagine if all time could be yours!

The (un-)holy land

The situation in Israel/Palestine/Gaza has caused a lot of discussion and uproar lately. I have tried to keep up to date with what’s going on, but somehow I have struggled to become ‘involved’. So, following the situation only superficially I came across an (in my opinion) well balanced essay in a Danish paper (for which the author was actually reprimanded for having misused the trust vested in him as a public TV presenter). It expressed some of the thoughts I myself have had about the conflict between Israelis and Palestinians. My translations throughout:

“The common European discourse is often as follows: The Palestinians are being humiliated and scorned, it is natural that they will use violence, whereas jews, who themselves have been so hardly hit, should know better. So, the message to the Jewish population: You, who have yourselves experienced pogroms, extermination camps and expulsion, or are descendants of .. the victims of the Holocaust, You must simply learn to control yourselves when someone again is trying to kill you!”

“The attacks on Gaza will... presumably only make evil worse, but a country under constant attack must and should act, even though the approach is disturbing for nice people, who don’t know how terror influences a society.
Many European commentators think that it is a classic imperialistic situation where one party is right and the other party is the evil aggressor. In military terms Israel is of course more powerful than the Palestinians but any society, powerful or not, which is hit by terror must use means to protect itself that it would not otherwise accept.”

He quotes the Palestinian journalist Zaki Chehab’s book ’Inside Hamas’ (2007):

“Chehab ... shows how the Hamas continues to stand by their charter from 1988, which says that the fight is not over till the green flag of Islam is raised above all of the historical Palestine from the Dead Sea to the Mediterranean Sea.

A representative of the Hamas is quoted: “ You will find no-one in Hamas who will acknowledge Israel’s right to exist. If you hear anything else, you can be sure it is a lie”. This is Israel’s enemy right now.”

The inherent historical elements of this tale are crucial factors in the developments along the way, and will continue to influence the proceedings that take place.

I have failed to become emotionally involved in this until yesterday. I attended a seminar at UCL, Uneven Geographies, and it really got me thinking. The seminar dealt with contested spaces, uneven geographies, and the first 2/3 that I sat in on dealt with Belgrade during the Jugoslavian war, and with Palestine.

Obviously, when the seminar was planned and speakers invited the situation in Gaza was different than it is now. The current world-wide focus on Gaza right now meant that the discussion naturally gravitated towards current and historical occurrences in the Middle East.

What I particularly liked about the seminar was the fact that people were balanced in their observations. Generally speaking the news does not exactly get conveyed in a balanced manner, and academic discourse on a subject that is so highly publicized at the moment was a welcome, if labor-some and tiring.

Particularly Ms Adania Shabil, a Palestinian writer, was very powerful.

The speakers talked about contested spaces, the way in which spaces are scarred and how places remember conflict. They discussed the implications of space in conflicted situations, the aesthetics of war and the effect of imagery (symbolic and actual) on the conflict and about the political and social implications of being in a state of ‘refugeeism’ (is that a word?). They spoke of the representation of free (or not) movement in literature, of how the contestation of a space creates this space in the mind of the world.

The question of the dichotomy between Jews and Arabs as the basis of this situation was softened by comments that ‘this is not what it’s about, it’s about the people living these moments’. And I really agree with the sentiment that is at the core of this - a pure belief that we as people should behave and do to others as we wish they do to us, it’s in a sense a case of basic human compassion. However, the history of these religions, places and peoples make the ‘now’ that we live in more complex.

The places occupied by Palestinians were historically - way back - the land of Jews. But at other points in time, they were Palestine. The peoples that occupy either side of the fence now have historical claims to and feelings for the land.

The fact that the two religions that these peoples represent inherently dislike each other (one has a warning of the other in their holy book) does not make it simpler. The fact that the United Arab Emirates continues to aid the reconstruction of the Palestinian villages and settlements certainly does not keep the issue at hand clear of religion or preconceived notions of opposition and rights.

As the land lay now, figuratively and literally, I do not see an end to the oppression and suffering endured by the Palestinians, nor do I see the terror they employ ending. Nor a peace or a surrender of land by either side, nor the admission that the other deserves the right to exist.

When you are struck on the chords of your beliefs, be they social, political, societal, religious, it is hard to give.

The historical prosecution of Jews may be something considered a part of history (or for some, not), but it will always remain in the self-image of people who identify themselves with Jews, be it in a religious, social, cultural or political manner. If the Jews don’t remember and act accordingly to the situations they themselves have been in, they might very well be creating the same self-image in Palestinians for the future.

I leave you with some pictures from a large Danish newspaper recorded during the first week after the end of the recent war actions in Gaza. For those not literate in Danish, I trust the pictures will speak for themselves. Click the picture for more.

Meh.

Hm. Didn't break the rules. Am still holding on to a slimmer and slimmer hope of some sort of indication that I'm not entirely off in my evaluation of the situation.

The mental process leading to this is not entirely as linear as I would like to convey.

Crap.

Rules

I've really tried to not follow the rules lately, to do what I really feel like instead of simply complying to norms.

And here I am, following 'the rules' because I'm guessing that that's what's expected of me. And lo and behold - they are not being 'followed back'. What rubbish. Maybe it's time for me to break them again, just to make a point. If nothing's new by tomorrow I will.

*

Did yoga and meditation again this morning, which was good. I'm finding the yoga bit easiest - focusing my mind is extremely difficult. There are SO many things to think about all the time.

Step 1.

Today I tried both meditating and yoga for the first time, all in the privacy of my own room..

I downloaded a couple of podcasts on the subject and selected some that sounded and looked to be of a fairly reasonable quality.

The yoga was YOGamazing (pretty darned corny name!), and I selected the episode with exercises for runners. It was fairly easy to do, even in the limited space of my bedroom, and I could certainly feel everything stretch. I've downloaded a couple more and will give them a shot. Only thing I'm concerned about is that I'm not doing the stretches right.. I'm thinking that maybe, at least initially, I should do some supplementary classes just to get the poses right. Don't want to do any harm in all my eagerness.

The meditation was from some Australian meditation society, and apart from the tinny voice, I had nothing to fault them for either. There's a whole series of sessions, so I'll be working my way through them, one a day hopefully.

Now I just need to figure out a good order for my yoga, meditation and running! Running first, then the stretches and then clearing the mind?

2009

It's a new day in a new year, and the sun is flowing into my living room. Around me what seems to be a constant fog in London these days is lifting and I hear children playing from a nearby schoolyard.

I haven't made any resolutions this year ("it's so passee, don't you think?"), but I feel the newness, the freshness of a new number on the calendar, inspiring thoughts of what might be and what I could do.

As I enter the new year things feel brighter and 'on the up'. I hope to continue the upward curve and shall do whatever I can to ensure so. I think it's time to actually do some of those things I always wished I would do, but never did.

First up: Yoga/meditation.
I've considered this many times, but somehow always backed/chickened out. Who knows - it might be great! As I've been working with other aspects of myself lately, this seems a natural extension in a way. I'll let you know how I get on.

Take care all, and the best wishes for an enlightening and wonderful year ahead.