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Silence is gold, eh? I've been so blogging silent for the last while that I ought to be a very wealthy woman. However, life is not so, although finally earning a half decent salary and still half living as though I were still a student is helping on that.

Christmas has been great, but I somehow have an eery feeling of being unsettled. Being at home always messes with my head, and plunges me into thoughts of where I want to live, and what I want to do.

When was the last time you pampered yourself?

The other day, someone I know only remotely asked me a question. He wasn’t being rude, but my first reaction was to think so. But then I thought – it could be a very caring thing to say: “When was the last time you pampered yourself?”

Honestly I don’t remember. I have recently had a (long overdue) haircut, and a month and a half ago I used nail polish a couple of times, ‘incidentally’ coinciding with me starting my new job. I use makeup every day, and try to make good food and see friends at least once a week.

But that’s not pampering, now is it.

Perhaps this person unknowingly hit my current issues spot on; perhaps they are out there for all to see, standing out like a sore thumb. Either way, it is slightly disconcerting.

And even worse is the fact that I know it, yet am unable to change my ways. One of the most important things I have learned over the last year or so is that I need to allocate time for me. I find it so hard to say no to seeing friends or doing something cool or interesting and instead stay at home and do nothing.. well, not really nothing… laundry, reading, drawing, thesis work, cleaning.. doing nothing too, it has to be there, just lying down and thinking, resting, allowing my mind to fall to ease. This is what I need. Very weird. Or not. Ah, now I’m confusing myself.

So. Is taking time for myself equal to pampering me? Or are my life priorities totally screwed up? Maybe I need to REALLY pamper me, go to a spa, indulge in a whole weekend of myself, resisting the temptation to do stuff with others. Why do I find this so difficult?

Being happy on my own and the consequences this has on my future

What a title! I have been told that I think too much. My initial response was “I don’t think you can think too much”, which might pretty well sum op the issues for some… Actually, this last while has been very busy, and I feel that I haven’t had much time to simply reflect on what’s going on in my life. Rather, days seem to be dripping by, slowly, steadily, unstoppable, inevitable. I wont go into what has made my life so “busy”, I’m afraid it might just sound like everyone else’s and that’s not the point. So what is the point, the avid reader asks! I seam to have reached a stable level, a plateau if you wish, where my life is rolling, rolling, with out too much extraordinary effort on my part. Amazing how fast we land in a routine (set the clock for 7am, get up at 7.35 after snoozing 4 times, take the bus at 8.08, etc.), which allows us to just… keep going. I am fighting the urge to keep adding “new, exciting events” to my life, and am doing my very best to just go with the flow. It somehow goes against the grain of me, yet I know this is what I need. A period of easy (everyday) life (because life is never easy). A while where I can be just me, enjoying my own company and the random thoughts and musings that this brings about.

Which brings me back to the title of this post. I am 27, just turned a month and a bit ago. I am recovering from a powerful experience, which will stay with me for the next long while. I am happy on my own. I am hopeful for the future. So the question that has been nagging at my consciousness while on the bus/falling asleep/daydreaming while “illustrator-ing” is what I am to do. Obviously, I am now alone and fine about it. But, time is flying and if I take a long time to become ready to move on in my own mind again, I might not end up where I want to. I need to take a good, long think about what I actually want from this life. So, please don’t ask me to not think so much. I have to, in order to regain my sanity and look to the future. Plus, I wouldn’t be me if I weren’t concerned with all this stuff.

a time for caring

A lot of things have been going on lately, and I must say, I do not know how to react to a number of them. This year has been a tough one, and I fear it is not through being tough.

Friends are splitting up, couples the same, people are struck by terrible diseases, and some are dying from them. Words do not suffice. I wish I could be there for all of my dear friends and family who are going through rough times, but some times it is just not possible. I hope they know that even though we are not really in touch, I care massively and the pain they are going through touches me deeply.

Seaman’s Log, Day 3 of Leg One of Journey to the New World

"Setting off on the first day all were busy, and I got engaged in relevant work very early. My fellow sailors all seem friendly; however I have yet to be at a workplace where politics are not rife. Since then it has been an increasingly rough sea, with the Captain today reprimanding me for not wearing appropriate dress, so this evening did my best to assemble suitable clothing. I guess I’ll see/hear/feel tomorrow if I have hit the high mark we are all meant to aim for. Tasks have been farther and farther between, mainly of the well-known “you-don’t-really-need-to-know-so-much-to-do-this”-type. Captain says that work which requires more brain-work will soon come my way, that I will be back in three weeks complaining over the workload. We’ll see. Better be busy than be idle, I say (at least when just commencing a new job and you really want to make a good impression, and when you obviously are not doing so through your physical appearance).

I shan’t be writing much these days, I have no time. I hope all is well for my friends and family."

So wrote I 2 weeks ago, already a long time since.. I've been so busy lately I don't even know whether I am coming or going anymore. I have been struggling to find time to be just by myself. I just want to do too many things, and I don't have the time to do it all. Work is 9-5.30 every day, and basketball has taken over 3-4 nights a week and the saturday for games. Too much? I think so. But now the main stress of my new job is over - I mean now I know where to find tea, how to open the safe and who to talk to about projects, etc, etc.

I have been gettring attached to some interesting projects and have already had the opportunity to partake in 2 consultation events and several site visits. It's great - and I think I'm going to enjoy the consultation part of the job a whole lot!

Tomorrow I'm off to Letchworth Garden City to do a Town Centre Appraisal, and was actually supposed to go with a colleague. She is really busy, so now I'm doing it alone...It's a bit much, but also really cool. It's a chance to show them that I can think!

My parents were here the last 2 weekends - lovely to see them here! This weekend my two bestest friends from uni are coming over, before heading to Marrakesh, I think for a study tour. It'll be great to see them here - I really don't get to spend enough time with my friends based in Denmark. I think we're mainly going to talk, eat, drink, watch the English watch rugby and.. well, that's gotta be enough!

Thinking of you all.

The first day of the rest of my life

Today was my first day at work. It went well, people were nice and all's good.It's weird though. All of a sudden my days will be totally filled up with work and basketball. And the next while I'll be having a few visits, my parents will be here for a long weekend and two really good friends for another weekend. I'm really looking forward to it! There's just a lot of stuff to deal with - I need to get new clothes for work. What I have now simply doesn't cut it! I think I may make it through the week with what I have, but that is it!

I will be brief today, I'm really busy these days!

The weather has changed

(Posted with a day's delay,I'm afraid)

Yesterday was cold - real cold. I have brought out my long, woollen sweaters, but am waiting a bit to unpack my winter coat. That would just be too much of a commitment..!

The last couple of days have been really exciting, even more than just the changing of the seasons, which in itself can be a thrilling ride of “oh no, it’s raining again” interspersed with those moments of clarity where you realise that you are part of something bigger, a system that keeps moving, no matter what goes on in your own little life.

Tuesday was challenging. I was preparing for my interview the day after (had to do a 10 minute presentation on what I can bring to the firm + several other tasks), and so actually had something to do. The rest of my course-mates were frantically completing their work on the exhibition that was to open at 6.30 that evening. I felt bad for not taking part in the preparations and had to keep reminding myself that what I was doing was equally important. I just really like to take part in common things like that. The exhibition was great, and all the hard work really paid off in the end. There were so many people there that one could hardly move – success! Most of the time I was just really happy for everybody, they were so happy to be done, and I genuinely smiled on the numerous photos being taken. At one point, however, I felt so alone. I was not done, did not have any relatives or friends there to see my work. I was not overjoyed to have completed the course, because I hadn’t! I wandered aimlessly around, taking in all the people looking in awe at the boards displayed, chattering away about how much work must go into the projects. My mind drifted to the interview the day after, but eventually I got to talking to some people again, which allowed me to enjoy the ret of my evening.

The day after I had my very first serious interview. I wasn’t sure how it had gone, but I did walk away with a positive feeling, yet I wasn’t entirely happy with my replies. I guess they were, since they called me today to offer me the job – starting Monday! I am terribly happy and confused at the same time. I have had no stable rhythm in my life all summer, and all of a sudden both basketball and a job commence simultaneously. I have been looking forward to this, but now I won’t have all that free time and be able to organise my days as I please. Part of growing up?

Have a list of about 25 points that I would like to have done before starting my job (!), it’ll be a busy weekend (and oh, the first basketball game is presumably on Saturday, too).

Wish me luck :.)

Job!!!

I got a job and I am thrilled! More later, going to basketball now..

fall has come

I was sitting in the park a few days ago when a small leaf landed on my bag. It is now an unavoidable fact: The seasons have turned, and what was a wet, confusing, painful, caring, tough, self-investigating summer is over. It is fall.

The new students have been arriving in the last couple of days, and it seems such a long and such a short while since we ourselves commenced this course. This evening my coursemates will be opening the exhibition of their work of the year. I will not have any work on show. It is odd, to have been a part of this group lke everyone else, and yet not to complete together with them. I chose it, and I accept my decision (and try my best to laud it, actually), but it is not easy at all times. Au contraire.

Tomorrow I have my first "real" job interview. Scary, thrilling and slightly disconcerting. There's a full programme of 2 hours (!) including me holding a 10-minute presentation on my skills, Q&A, showing project work examples and a written test. I think that it's really a lot! I just hope I get to walk out of that room with a good feeling's all.

Less than 45 minutes to the exhibition. Judging by how jittery I feel, they must be nervous wrecks.

Hopefully the new season will not just be an end to all that is known, but rather an opportunity to begin afresh and anew.

Rain also has its charms.

short update

Sometimes your life just keeps on moving, and from one day to the next suddenly major changes have taken place - and actually, you yourself might even have initiated and performed them. Walking away from my new flat, after having unloaded and carried up two loads of stuff, (helped by my Danish friend who is permanently anchored in London) I had this feeling...

I have been so busy lately (I know, I know, not the conventional way, but somehow all my days get filled up with all sorts of stuff). I have expanded on my "freelancing", and this now includes nannying a couple of Danish boys. The first time I looked after them one of them managed to kick a football onto my face, breaking my glasses. I have had them glued, but perhaps this is a sign from above/below (!) to get a new pair. Perhaps these? Have been looking lately.

Time has gone fast, this last year being extremely eventful in both good and bad ways. London is my home now, although I am struggling to get that homey feeling in the new flat. I've lived there since Saturday and haven't yet cooked - so unlike me!

I don't have internet at home, so I won't really be online so much the next while (unless I come in to uni, which I have been doing the last couple of days.. who said internet junkie?).

finally - a flat

Today I paid the deposit needed to secure my new residence in what's apparently a delightful place: Stoke Newington. I've only ever heard nice things about it, although some people have added a wry "..which the bourgeois upper-middle class people like" to the statement that there's a lovely organic farmer's market just around the corner. So far, I've seen tons of Turkish shops of all sorts (kiosks, fruits&vegs, cafées Turkish style, pizza places and kebab shops etc..). It's lively, which is nice.

My road is a nice residential road, not unlike the one I've lived on this last year. Ok, not AS nice, but it's the same lovely terraced houses, only with a higher percentage of unkempt and/or cemented front "gardens". Still, it has a nice feel to it, and I'm sure that I'll feel just fine coming home from baskebtall at night. The room is in a flat shared with one other, a Portuguese woman. It's about 3,5 squared, so there should be enough space for all my gear. We'll see.. I have, very slowly, begun thinking of and actually getting round to packing up my stuff. I have the room from tomorrow, so I can go there and get used to it, bringing some stuff there. I don't know if I'll fit all my things there, but, just for the record - YOU (as in: all my darling friends and family members contemplating visiting me!) are more than welcome to come and visit me, should you ever come to London! :.)

I'll throw on some pics when I've gone on recon one of these days.

london

a bustling dream, aspirations and disillusions, hopes and intimacy, feelings and detachedness. making it and making do, creating the real life, just surviving. london's solitude and cosyness, lonesomeness, fear, feeling content, yet wondering what might pop up around the corner - actually anticipating this disruption...

it's being part of an unruly disorganised group, it's being truly on your own. it's a dream come true coupled with feeling all lost. i love london.

this evening i hung out with two couples (one very dear, loved and well-known to me) who are both getting married within the next while. it's not really fair to call them just "couples", since they are four very sincere, caring and diverse people; they are not just part of a "thing". i was alright with being single in this situation, even though the one girl at one point chatted about me being alone and us not "being six at the table", eyeballing the empty chair next to me. No harm done. Not even when they started talking about what they were each doing for their honeymoon, what sort of dresses it would be acceptable to wear at the wedding... i mean, i understand all these concerns. what got me down was walking home alone. i got on the bus and all around me were more or less drunk people, either in couples or with that restlessly wandering eye (which god forbid i have, yet i fear i might), indicating a person in search of someone. and not just anyone, rather that someone needed for intimacy, be it corporeal or emotional.

for some reason, the pattern created by the light of a lamp post filtering through the crown of a tree, the silent hush of the residential streets, the smell of neatly planted flowers in a bourgois neighborhood... it all makes me feel all single and alone. as in, just me, all alone, no one else. it's ok, it's good, it's the way i want it. i like it. but it's tough, not having that someone at home, waiting, anticipating your return. for now the freedom of being just me makes up for that. even though i feel alone, walking home from a night out.

work, work, work, wo-ork...

Today has been a busy day: "freelance" jobbing in the morning, ever more flat viewings in the afternoon (2 nice ones in one day, imagine that!), an interview for my new nanny-job (I wonder why anyone would want to leave me their prize-children) and a gallery exhibition opening of.., well, a friend's, I guess. Yay - love your work!

Thursday and Friday next week I'll be nannying the two Danish boys, I hope that'll go smoothly.. we'll see, C. has told me enough stuff about them during this last year to make me fear the youngest just a tad.

And my darling friend who deserted me and left for Brussels when I came here to London is here for the weekend, so hopefully we can manage to hook up.

All's good.

more carnival!

(again, for more pics, please click here!)

So, yeah, I went again, this time accompanied by a friend, which was great! Someone to marvel with about all the crazy stuff going on! There were definately more people today. We got caught in several backed up patches, but I didn't find it too much. Here's how many people were there:

I could have stayed there several hours longer, dancing and taking it all in. Alas, another viewing (of a flat I don't want, unfortunately) was scheduled, so I had to get my ass to East London, as I am still working on this project. Tomorrow I don't think I'll get to see more flats, since my psycho-"freelancing" (!) is up to 3 sessions tomorrow, and I am going to the movies. But Wednesday and Thursday I already have a few viewings lined up. Hopefully I wil come across that *perfect* room and actually be offered it. They offered me one of the ones today, however it was really smal, 2x3 m. Nice people, great living room etc, but I'm just wondering if it might get a tad claustrophobic in that sort of a cubicle...

Sambaaaa!

(click here for more pics)

Pumping samba rhythms, all smiles, red stripe Jamaican lager, Caribbean food, coconuts, red-yellow-green, dancing kids, Caribbean flags and whistles, feathers, sequins, laughter, reggae, dancing, movement, flirting, beer stalls, corn on the cob, kissing, sleeping tiger in a buggy, shaking body parts, djs, sound systems, blaring hiphop, breakdance, super heroes on scene, beautiful dancing women...

And tomorrow's supposed to be THE day to go :.) We'll see!