I spoke with my flatmate who has relocated to our common native, strawberry sweet, 80s sunnies and summerdresses abundant country for the summer, but was back in London for a couple of business meetings.

After we had caught up on the last month's events and non-events (such as "no, he didn't call" and "no, I haven't done any work on my dissertation") on our indulgent blue couch, my flatmate proceeded to discuss her work situation. As anyone who knows me more than remotely will be aware of I am the type that relates to others by projecting their issues onto my on life, hoping to gain understanding of their situation and my own. She is working freelance with a number of companies while looking for a more standard job. I am looking to free myself from a more standard job to work with things that are true to my ideals and hopes. She is willing to relocate in pursuit of a great job (as am I, just for the record), and feels her time in transient London is approaching its end, she has done what she came for.

I am not sure that I have done what I came for. I have not completed my uni work (and as is clear from the above stated non-events I am not getting much closer to it either), I have a job in which I am learning numerous things (among others how to be a good, complacent worker in control of her emotion. I don't like it) but not the ones I want to deal with in my future career. I feel restricted by my choices, I want the freedom to pursue dreams. I'm confused. What dreams? I don't have any specific goals, I have notions and fuzzy ideas.

Opti-what?

Someone once said to me that he did not understand my optimism. Or rather, he could not understand how I could possibly continue to be an optimist. He couldn't live with the disappointments that inevitably follow.

I do get disappointed. I do get hurt, feel blue and sad, lonely and upset, but I wouldn't for anything give up the exhilaration and elation that I also get to feel at times. Granted, I realise that it will end, but at least I have that wonderful feeling for some time.

This time round I could feel that I was on the top for a long time, and began to anticipate the downturn. It doesn't make it any nicer, but at least I knew that it was happening.

Another of my tricky traits, I guess.