'Freeze!'

The grey skies outside my window nearly deterred me from actually leaving the flat, and a feeling of blandness kept me from any action. Not until I was 2½ hours late did something actually happen. I got up, grabbed my sweater, which serves as a coat sometimes, and finally heard the wellknown sound of the door slamming closed behind me in the empty stairwell. Time definately not on my side, I still walked slowly, with a blank mind, save for the images of a few people I passed on the street. I do that a lot these days, have a blank mind. It seems to help me to not have to deal with all those issues that would otherwise obscure sight of and the ability to deal with everyday life.

But it's a short-sighted thing to do, and I know it. It's been a long year, and this is not over.

london

a bustling dream, aspirations and disillusions, hopes and intimacy, feelings and detachedness. making it and making do, creating the real life, just surviving. london's solitude and cosyness, lonesomeness, fear, feeling content, yet wondering what might pop up around the corner - actually anticipating this disruption...

it's being part of an unruly disorganised group, it's being truly on your own. it's a dream come true coupled with feeling all lost. i love london.

this evening i hung out with two couples (one very dear, loved and well-known to me) who are both getting married within the next while. it's not really fair to call them just "couples", since they are four very sincere, caring and diverse people; they are not just part of a "thing". i was alright with being single in this situation, even though the one girl at one point chatted about me being alone and us not "being six at the table", eyeballing the empty chair next to me. No harm done. Not even when they started talking about what they were each doing for their honeymoon, what sort of dresses it would be acceptable to wear at the wedding... i mean, i understand all these concerns. what got me down was walking home alone. i got on the bus and all around me were more or less drunk people, either in couples or with that restlessly wandering eye (which god forbid i have, yet i fear i might), indicating a person in search of someone. and not just anyone, rather that someone needed for intimacy, be it corporeal or emotional.

for some reason, the pattern created by the light of a lamp post filtering through the crown of a tree, the silent hush of the residential streets, the smell of neatly planted flowers in a bourgois neighborhood... it all makes me feel all single and alone. as in, just me, all alone, no one else. it's ok, it's good, it's the way i want it. i like it. but it's tough, not having that someone at home, waiting, anticipating your return. for now the freedom of being just me makes up for that. even though i feel alone, walking home from a night out.